


Never Let Go

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [24]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Child Abuse, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Major Character Injury, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-01 12:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 31,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13998348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Maul returns, determined to get Ezra back and finally exact his revenge on Kanan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: major injury to a child; child abuse; child abduction; threat of death/being forced to watch others die; threat of maiming

Ezra closed his eyes, letting his mind empty.  He reached out through the Force, not trying to sense anything in particular, just letting it guide him toward wherever it was he was meant to go, toward whatever it was that had led him out here.

It wasn’t a voice, exactly.  He hadn’t quite _heard_ it.  It was more like something outside of his own head was compelling him to follow it; and so he found himself standing in the Atollon desert, searching for the source of that feeling.  For the first time since he’d felt that sudden drive to wander into the desert, Ezra now felt something almost familiar about whatever force was urging him to do this.  He couldn’t place it, but he knew he should be able to, like when you meet someone for the second time and can't remember their name.

He wracked his brain for an answer, knowing whatever he was sensing was familiar to him, but not being able to figure out why.  All he knew was that it was comforting in one way but unsettling in another.

He knew, instinctively, that he was almost where he needed to be.  He kept moving, that strange, almost-familiar presence growing stronger with each step.  He walked for another five minutes before he reached a cliff and stopped.  This was it.  He still didn’t know why he was there or what exactly had told him to come there, but this was the place that unknown force had drawn him to.

He stood perfectly still for a moment, waiting, though he wasn’t sure what for.  He was now surrounded by the presence of whatever it was that had called him there.  He still couldn’t place it, though with each passing second, he felt more and more like he _should_ know or maybe on some level already did.  He ran through everything he knew about the almost-voice.  Familiar.  Compelling.  Unsettling, but comforting… _no._

From behind him, Ezra heard the unmistakable sound of a lightsaber’s blade igniting.  He reached for his own weapon only for it to be pulled away from him before he could get to it.  He turned around to see his lightsaber falling to the ground at Maul’s feet.

Maul advanced toward Ezra, his own lightsaber raised.  Ezra took a step back, glancing over his shoulder.  He was cornered against the cliff’s edge with nowhere to run.  His heart hammered in his chest as Maul drew closer.  He could feel himself beginning to freeze up, but he stomped that instinct into dust.  He didn’t have time to freeze.  He couldn’t.  He had to run _now._

Ezra bolted, or he tried to.  He had only made it a few steps before Maul lunged at him, grabbing his arm.  Ezra gasped in pain as his shoulder was wrenched backward.  Maul pulled Ezra back toward him effortlessly, like he weighed nothing at all, and threw him to the ground.  Ezra tried to stand up, only to be incapacitated by a kick to the stomach.  Maul switched off one of the blades of his saber and brought it down, slashing through the air toward Ezra.  Ezra froze, bracing himself, only for the red blade to stop just inches from his throat.

Ezra stared up at Maul, his heart leaping into his throat as he stayed perfectly still, not wanting to risk even the smallest movement.

“Take out your commlink,” Maul said.

Ezra slowly lifted his left arm, showing Maul his wrist comm.

“Contact the Jedi,” Maul told him.  “Get him to come here alone.”

Ezra’s heart skipped a beat as he realized Maul’s plan.  He was just the bait.  Maul was here to kill Kanan.

“No,” Ezra said.

“Do it,” Maul hissed, bringing his lightsaber closer to Ezra’s throat.

Ezra said nothing, glaring back at Maul defiantly.  He would _not_ lure Kanan to his death.

Maul moved fast enough that Ezra didn’t see it coming.  He pulled his lightsaber back from Ezra’s neck just slightly and quickly slashed it across the side of Ezra’s face.  Ezra gasped as his hand jumped to his cheek.  He could feel the burning wound just above the scars he’d gotten from the Inquisitor.

“I won't help you hurt him,” Ezra growled.  His words were met with another kick to his stomach, knocking the breath out of him.  As he gasped for air, he was pulled off the ground by an unseen grip around his throat.  He thrashed and kicked as he hung there, until he was slammed back into the ground.  He tried to push himself to his feet only to be knocked down again, falling flat on his stomach.  From behind him, he heard the loud _hum_ of a lightsaber cutting through the air.

Ezra couldn’t hold back a cry of pain as the blade slashed into his skin, forming a long gash across the back of both his shoulders.  His vision blurred for a second and he realized tears were forming in his eyes.

Maul grabbed Ezra’s arm and dragged him to his feet, his blade coming up under Ezra’s chin.  Ezra could feel the heat of the blade on his neck as Maul’s bright yellow eyes bored into his.

“If you don’t call him,” Maul said, “I will drag you back to your base and slaughter everyone I find there.”

It wasn’t an empty threat.  Ezra knew Maul could easily kill dozens of people before anyone even realized there was an intruder on the base.  He knew because he could do the same, and he had learned his skill from Maul.  He could do it.  And he would.

With his free hand, Ezra slowly reached for his comm.

“If you tell him I’m here,” Maul said, “if you try to warn him in any way, Kanan Jarrus won't be the only blind Jedi.”

Ezra froze for a second, then hit the switch on his comm to call Kanan.

_“Ezra?”_

At the sound of Kanan’s voice, Ezra hesitated, his own voice dying in his throat.  He couldn’t do this.  He couldn’t draw Kanan out here to his death.  He couldn’t betray his family like that.  He wanted to tell Kanan to leave, to get as far away from this planet as possible.  He didn’t care if Maul blinded him or killed him, he couldn’t do this.

But he knew Maul would do even worse than that.  He would make good on his threat to kill everyone he could find on the base and then he would still hunt down Kanan wherever he fled to.

_“Ezra, is everything okay?”_

“Kanan,” Ezra said finally, as if his master’s name had been forcibly pulled from his throat, “I need your help.”

_“What’s wrong?”_

“It’s -- I can't really -- I just need you to track my comm and follow the signal,” he said.  He couldn’t think of a decent excuse and maybe, he thought, if he kept it vague enough, Kanan would realize something was wrong and wouldn’t come out here alone.  “Please.”

 _“Ezra, what is it?”_   The concern in Kanan’s voice was obvious.  Ezra knew Kanan could sense his fear.  Good.  Maybe he’d figure it out.  Maybe he wouldn’t walk right into the trap.

 _“Are you hurt?”_ Kanan asked when Ezra didn’t answer.  Maul’s grip on Ezra’s arm tightened and Ezra immediately got the message.

“Yes,” Ezra said.  “I followed something -- this voice out into the desert and I -- I can't really explain what happened.  It’s not that bad, but I can't get back alone.  Can you help me?”

 _“I’m on my way,”_ Kanan said.  The comm clicked off.

“That wasn’t so hard, now, was it?” Maul asked.  He removed Ezra’s wrist comm and tossed it to the ground, far out of Ezra’s reach.

“You have what you want,” Ezra said.  “Just take me.  You don’t have to do this.”

“I do,” Maul said.  “I’ve told you before, Ezra, you are my responsibility.  And if I have to destroy the man who took you from me, I will.”

“I won't let you hurt him,” Ezra said.

“And how exactly are you planning to stop me?” Maul asked with a smile, knowing Ezra had no answer.

Ezra felt the shadows of Maul’s presence closing in around his mind, dragging him downward and drowning him.  He tried to fight them off, throwing his strength behind his own shields, but it took Maul almost no effort to push past them.  Within seconds, Ezra fell to the ground and everything went dark.

* * *

 

Kanan had easily found Ezra’s location using the tracker on his comm and taken a speeder bike out into the desert to find him.  As he closed in on the coordinates, he stopped.  Something felt off.  Clouded.  He recognized the feeling of someone trying to hide their presence in the Force.  His first thought was that it must be Ezra, but why would Ezra be trying to hide?

Kanan jumped off the bike and proceeded more cautiously, and much more quietly, on foot, casting out a mental net, feeling his surroundings carefully.  Not far from him, he could feel Ezra’s presence, clear as day.  So who or what was trying to hide?

Kanan heard movement behind him.  Footsteps.

“Ezra?” he asked as he turned around.

“You don’t have to worry about him,” a familiar voice said.  “My apprentice is perfectly safe.”

Kanan reached for his lightsaber, but before he could so much as touch it, something struck his head and the last thing he was aware of was hitting the ground.

* * *

 

“This is the last place their trackers were,” Zeb said as he, Hera, and Rex dismounted from their speeder bikes.

“Kanan!” Hera called, scanning the expanse of sand around her.  “Ezra!”

There was no response.  She listened as hard as she had ever listened to anything in her life, but she heard nothing except the wind and the footsteps of her companions.

“Kid!” Zeb shouted.  “Where are you?”

Still nothing.

“Over here!” Rex called.  Hera turned and followed his voice to find him standing over an object laying in the sand.  Ezra’s wrist comm.  Not far from it, lying abandoned, were Kanan’s commlink and mask, and both of their lightsabers.

As if in a trance, Hera leaned down and picked up the mask gently, as if it would break if she handled it too roughly.

“Spread out,” Hera said.  “Look for…” she didn’t want to say it; she didn’t want to acknowledge the possibility, but she forced the words out anyway.  “Look for bodies.  Blood, footprints, anything.”

For a moment, she just stared down at Kanan’s mask in her hands.

 _Please, don’t be dead,_ she thought.  _Please._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: torture; child abuse; references to self-injury; threat of being forced to watch someone die

Ezra hurt all over.  As he lay on the cold metal floor -- he couldn’t remember how he’d gotten there -- and tried to make sense of it, it quickly flooded back to him.  The desert.  Maul.  _Kanan._

Ezra kept his eyes closed as he reached out through the Force, feeling for some sense of where he was.  His attempt was cut short by a quick but painful shock.  He sat up abruptly, his head spinning and pain wracking his entire body.  He looked down to see the cuffs around his wrists.  Their locking mechanism hadn’t been activated, so they weren’t bound together, but they would stop any attempt to actively use the Force.

A fresh spike of pain shot through him and the memory floated to the surface of his mind of Maul’s lightsaber cutting into him.  He reached one hand back over his shoulder and under his shirt to try and get some sense of how bad the wound was, only to find that it had been bandaged.  The same had been done to the gash on his face.  The idea of Maul tending to his injuries, and while he was unconscious no less, made his skin crawl, but he was healing, which meant one less thing for him to worry about as he figured out how he would escape.

Ezra stood up and walked to the door at the far end of the cell.  It was locked, which was no surprise.  He turned and looked around the room, catching sight of another door.  Ezra crossed the small room to check it and found that it led to a refresher.  That meant he wasn’t going to be leaving this cell anytime soon, if Maul was ever planning to let him leave it at all.  There was a single air vent in the cell, but it was too narrow for Ezra to crawl through it.  Ezra scanned the room, searching for anything he might use to break out of his cuffs or crack the lock on the door, but it was useless.  The room was completely empty.  Not a single metal panel on the walls showed any sign of being loose enough to pry away.

Ezra furiously kicked at the wall.  He had to get out.  He had to find…but he wouldn’t, would he?  Kanan was probably already dead.  Maul would have killed him as soon as he came to find Ezra.  His body was probably lying abandoned in the Atollon desert, far from the base where no one would find him until the spiders had already torn him apart.

Ezra slammed his fist against the wall, using the sound of it and the sting of impact to drag himself away from that train of thought.  He didn’t know that.  Kanan could still be alive, though Ezra didn’t want to think about the reasons Maul would keep him that way.

Ezra closed his eyes, reaching out, searching for Kanan’s presence somewhere, _anywhere_.  Maybe he could just get some hint of whether he was alive before the cuffs activated.  But his search was stopped almost immediately as he was hit with another shock.  He shouted, more from frustration than pain, and slammed the heel of his hand against his forehead, his fingers tangling in his hair and pulling hard.  He couldn’t get out of this cell; he couldn't tell if Kanan was even still alive; he couldn’t do _anything_ except sit here and wait.

* * *

 

When Kanan woke, his first thought was of Ezra.  He was hurt, he needed help -- no.  He’d already gone to find Ezra and…Maul.  Maul was there.  Maul had taken Ezra, or worse.  But why would Maul have killed Ezra and left Kanan live?  No, Ezra had to be here, wherever _here_ was.

As Kanan sat up, he felt cool metal against his palms as he pushed himself off the ground.  He reached out into the void beside him and his fingers brushed against metal again.  He was indoors, then.  Knowing who had brought him here, he was probably locked up somewhere.  There was a tight pressure around his wrists and when he felt at them, he found metal cuffs locked around them.  Suspecting what they might be, Kanan focused his thoughts on Ezra, reaching out across their bond, only for the cuffs to generate a powerful shock, tearing a cry of pain from Kanan’s throat.

Slowly, still reeling from the pain, Kanan stood up, one hand braced against the wall.  He backed himself into a corner and, one hand trailing along the wall beside him, began to walk forward, trying to gain some vague sense of how big the space around him was and where he might be.  For all he knew, Ezra could be in the room with him, unconscious or otherwise unable to communicate his presence.  As he reached the corner on the other end of the wall, he heard a door sliding open from the other side of the room.  Echoing, metal-on-metal footsteps entered, a dark, icy presence following them.

“Where is Ezra?” Kanan asked.  “What did you do to him?”

“I’d worry more about what’s going to happen to you,” Maul said.

“Why not just kill me?” Kanan asked him.  Maul had already tried to kill him without hesitation every time their paths had crossed.  Why would he keep him alive now?

“Do you really think I would give you a quick death after everything you’ve done?” Maul said.  Kanan could hear his footsteps clanking against the floor as he paced around the room.  “I intend to make your suffering last as long as possible.  By the time I’m through with you, you’ll be begging me to end your life.”

He paused and stopped pacing.  Kanan could feel Maul’s eyes on him, watching him like a Loth-cat about to pounce on its prey.

“But maybe I’ll save that honor for my apprentice,” he said.

“Stay away from my son,” Kanan growled.  Fury grew in his chest and he wanted nothing more than to unleash it on the monster that stood before him, but until he knew how much direct danger Ezra was in, he would force himself to hold back.

“ _Your_ son?”  Kanan couldn’t see the mocking smile on Maul’s face, but he could hear it in his voice.  “I’m the one who took him in, who trained him and raised him since he was a child.  I made him who he is.  He’s more my son than yours.”

“Don’t you dare call him that,” Kanan said.

The sound of Maul’s laugh cut deep into Kanan, freezing him from the inside out.

“I don’t think you’re in any position to be making demands,” he said.

Without warning, Kanan felt himself being slammed backwards into something, his arms pinned at his sides.  Restraints closed over his arms and chest, holding him in place.

“One more thing,” Maul said.  “If you try to escape, you won't be the only one who suffers for it.  Everything you do will have consequences for Ezra.”

Kanan heard the door slide open and Maul’s footsteps fading away.  A moment later, a jolt of electricity hit him.

* * *

 

Ezra stopped pacing when he heard movement outside the door.  A moment later, it opened and Maul entered the cell.

“What did you do to Kanan?” Ezra growled.

“He’s alive,” Maul said as the door slid shut behind him.  “For now.  Don’t worry, Ezra.  When he dies, I’ll make sure you’re there to see it.”

“Why would you keep him alive?” Ezra asked, though deep down, he knew the answer.

“So that his death will be as long and painful as possible,” Maul said, cold fury in his voice.  “But you knew that.  After all, I taught you everything I know about how to break someone.”

“Is reminding me of that supposed to break me?” Ezra asked, a sarcastic edge to his voice as he glared furiously at the ground, refusing to look at his former master.

“I don’t need to break you,” Maul said.  “You already know where you belong, and it’s not with the Jedi.”

“Yes, it is,” Ezra said.  “And if you came in here to convince me it's not, you’ll have to work a lot harder.”

Ezra backed away as Maul crossed the room toward him, flinching back and trying to pull away as Maul grabbed his wrist, his grip tight enough that Ezra knew he would have bruises in a matter of hours.

“Let go,” he hissed, trying to twist his arm out of Maul’s grip.

Maul only held on tighter as he pushed back Ezra’s sleeve, revealing the scars that covered his arm.

“Do you really think you’re better off?” he asked.  “This never would have happened before you ran away.”

“It happened because of you,” Ezra said.  “Because of what you did to Kanan.”

“Did it really?” Maul asked, that infuriating tone in his voice like he knew something Ezra didn’t, like he knew better, like Ezra was some naïve child who needed an adult -- who needed a _master_ \-- to explain things to him.  “Or did it happen because you know I was right about you all along and the Jedi has twisted your mind so badly that you hate yourself for it?”

“Shut up,” Ezra growled, refusing to admit just how close to the mark Maul had hit.  “You don’t know a damn thing about me.”

“I know more than you realize,” Maul said.

As he released his hold on Ezra and took a step back, Ezra’s eyes were drawn to an object in his hand.  The trigger for the stun cuffs.  He activated it, and the shock drove Ezra to his knees, his eyes watering as it subsided.

“And I know you need a reminder of how to speak to your master,” Maul said.

“You’re not my master,” Ezra said.  “You never will be again.  I don’t care what you do to me.”

Maul crouched down in front of him and Ezra flinched back instinctively.  Maul reached out toward him and gently cupped his chin, forcing Ezra to look at him.

“You are lost, Ezra,” he said.  “This Jedi took you from your true path and I only want you to find your way again.”

“No,” Ezra said.  “You just want --”

The words died in Ezra’s throat as he was cut off by the sound of a scream in the distance.  He felt like the blood was freezing in his veins.  It was Kanan.  It had to be Kanan.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Maul said as he stood up.  “And there is nothing you can do to save him.”

“What are you doing to him?” Ezra asked.

Maul didn’t answer.  He only turned away and left the cell.  Ezra was alone and trapped, helpless to do anything except listen to the screams he heard through the walls.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: torture; a victim being forced to ask an abuser for help; references to child abuse; being forced to watch torture

With no way of marking time, Ezra had no idea how long he had been in the cell.  He’d fallen asleep once, too tired to keep his eyes open even as he fought to, hating himself for drifting off when he knew Kanan was in pain.  It had to have been at least a full day by now.  A full day that Ezra was forced to hear Kanan’s screams punctuated by periods of silence that were the only times Ezra felt like he could breathe.

At one point, the silence had lasted too long.  Ezra had no way of knowing how long, exactly, but it _felt_ too long.  His heart pounded faster and faster in his chest.  He closed his eyes, focusing all his energy on listening, listening, listening, but there was nothing.  With each passing second, the thought that Kanan had died took hold, sinking its roots deeper and deeper in Ezra’s mind.  It felt like an eternity before Ezra heard another shout of pain and relief crashed over him, followed immediately by disgust.  How could he be relieved that Kanan was being tortured?

Now Ezra sat hunched against the wall, his hands over his ears, though it didn’t do much to help.  He tried not to let himself think about the specifics of what Maul might be doing to Kanan.  Every time he found himself going down that path, he tried to force himself to stop by redirecting his thoughts to anything else.  Memories of his parents or the crew.  Stories Kanan and Rex and Ahsoka had told him about the Clone Wars and the Jedi Order.  Things that had happened since Sabine left that they were going to tell her all about once she got back.  Anything but what could be happening to Kanan right now.  When none of that worked, he would bite down on the back of his hand or hit his head against the wall.  Pain jolted him right out of his thoughts, at least for a while.

Still, he couldn’t help but keep being drawn back to thinking about Kanan.  He knew exactly what Maul was capable of.  He knew because Maul had passed on that skill to him.  He knew because Maul had _done_ some of it to him.  So as much as he wanted to think about anything else, he couldn’t stop imagining the pain Kanan was going through.

He heard the door open and looked up to see Maul enter the room.  Ezra stood up, putting every bit of willpower he had into not letting Maul see just how much this was affecting him.

“What are you doing to him?” he asked.

Maul said nothing, only giving Ezra that patronizing smile, like he was a child who’d asked a question with a painfully obvious answer.  Ezra hated it.

“What are you doing to him?” he asked again, one hand clenching into a fist at his side, his nails digging into his palm.

“Your bandages need to be changed,” Maul said, ignoring Ezra’s question, which only made Ezra more furious.

Ezra only glared at him.  What right did Maul have to act like he cared, after everything he’d done?

“Do you want the wounds to get infected?” Maul asked, his voice impatient.

“Stay in this cell and listen to you torturing Kanan or die of blood poisoning?” Ezra said.  “I’m actually gonna need to think about that one.”

As Maul stepped toward him, Ezra pressed himself back against the wall.

“I’ll do it myself!” he snapped.  “Don’t touch me!”

To Ezra’s surprise, Maul stopped.  He held out a hand, offering Ezra the bandages he held.  Ezra took them, pulling the bandage off his face and fixing the new one over the wound.  He hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do, as he realized that he didn't know if he'd be able to reach the other one.  He stepped away from Maul, pulling his shirt off and reaching back, just barely able to reach far enough to pull away the larger bandage that covered the wound on his shoulders.  He tried to fasten the new bandage over it, but he couldn’t reach and get it at what he thought was the correct angle to cover the wound.  He let out a low growl of frustration and balled his free hand into a fist.  He took a breath, trying to at least _sound_ like he wasn’t furious enough to snap Maul’s neck if he could, and held the bandage out toward Maul.

“I need your help,” he said, staring down at the floor so he didn’t have to look at Maul.  “Please.”

Maul took the bandage from Ezra, putting a hand on his shoulder to make him turn around.  Ezra gritted his teeth and clenched his hands into fists as Maul quickly placed the bandage over the wound.  The second he was done, Ezra wrenched away from him, pulling his shirt back over his head as quickly as he could.

“Was that really so difficult?” Maul asked.

“Was it difficult to have the person who gave me these injuries taking care of them?” Ezra said bitterly as he turned around to face Maul.

“It never seemed to bother you before,” Maul said.

Anger flared in Ezra’s chest at the reminder that Maul had once been the one who cared for many of his injuries, and who’d caused plenty of them in the first place.  That anger was compounded by the knowledge that Maul had probably said it just to make him angry.  Before he could say anything in response, another scream split the air.  He threw his hands over his ears, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth as if he could shield himself from the sound.

“What are you doing to him?” he shouted, not even expecting an answer at this point.  Maul probably didn’t want him to know.  He probably wanted Ezra imagining the worst possible things his mind could come up with.

Maul’s hand closed around Ezra’s arm, leading him away from the wall and toward the cell door.  For a moment, Ezra wanted to resist, but thought better of it.  He needed to pick his battles carefully, that’s what Kanan would say.  Don’t fight and put yourself in danger if you don’t have to.  He’d already tested Maul’s patience once today.  And besides, leaving the cell meant he’d at least have some idea of what this place looked like, which could only help him if he was ever going to escape.  So he chose to cooperate.  This time.

As Maul led him down the hallway outside his cell, the sound of Kanan’s screams grew louder until they stopped outside a door.  The same door the sound was coming from.

“No,” Ezra muttered, trying to wrench his arm out of Maul’s grip.  Maul’s hold on him only tightened as he opened the door and pushed Ezra inside ahead of him.

Kanan was held in place by restraints around his arms, chest, and legs that secured him to an upright panel of durasteel.  There were bruises on his skin and Ezra could see other marks that he was sure had come from a lightsaber.  Maul’s lightsaber.

“Kanan!” he shouted.  He began to run forward, only for Maul to grab hold of him again, dragging Ezra back, his arms pinned at his sides.  Maul held Ezra against his chest, his arms around the struggling boy, tight enough that he was just able to breathe, but barely able to move.  Still, Ezra fought to break free.

“Ezra?”  Kanan’s voice was weak and strained, like he was carrying a heavy weight on his shoulders.  “Ezra, don’t look.”

Ezra had already averted his gaze, his eyes fixed on the joining of the floor and the wall as he heard the hum of an electric shock and Kanan’s cry of pain that he was clearly trying to hold back, not wanting Ezra to hear him scream.  Maul released his hold on Ezra with one arm, the other still pinning him in place.  He grabbed Ezra’s hair, forcing him to turn his head and look at Kanan, to watch his body convulse under electric shocks as he tried not to scream.

Ezra struggled against Maul’s grip, fighting to look away, but Maul only tightened his hold on him, forcing Ezra to stand there, helpless to do anything, as he watched his master’s torture.

“You wanted to know what was happening to him,” Maul said, his voice low in Ezra’s ear.  He was enjoying this, Ezra knew.  He liked watching Kanan’s suffering, and he liked forcing Ezra to watch it, too.  It was practically a game to him, seeing how far he could go before it killed Kanan.

“Please stop,” Ezra said, his voice so small it was nearly drowned out by Kanan’s screams.

Maul said nothing.  He just held Ezra in place, responding to each of Ezra’s attempts to break free with a brief, painful tightening of his grip until Ezra finally stopped trying to escape.  Ezra felt tears sliding down his cheeks and wondered when he had even started crying.

At long last, the shocks stopped and Kanan’s screams faded.  Maul let go of Ezra and with a wave of his hand, he released the restraints holding Kanan, who collapsed to the floor immediately.

“You have five minutes,” Maul said as he turned and left the cell.  Ezra stared at the door in shock as it closed and locked.  Why would Maul do this?  Ezra didn’t believe for a second that it had anything to do with compassion.  Still, he could figure out Maul’s reasons later. He had five minutes with Kanan and he wasn’t going to waste another second of them.  He ran to Kanan and dropped to his knees at the other man’s side.

“Ezra,” Kanan gasped, his hand finding Ezra’s and gripping it tight.  “Are you okay?”

“Am _I_ okay?” Ezra repeated.  “Kanan, you --”

“Are you hurt?” Kanan interrupted.

“No,” Ezra said.  Kanan didn’t need to know the truth.  Besides, Maul had barely hurt him, and he was nowhere near as bad off as Kanan was.

They were both silent for a moment as Kanan got his breath back under his control.

“Kanan, I’m sorry,” Ezra said once he was sure Kanan was really in a state to listen.  “I knew Maul was going to hurt you or kill you, and I helped him draw you out anyway.”

“I doubt he gave you much choice,” Kanan said.  “You did what you had to do.”

“I shouldn’t have done it,” Ezra said.

“If you hadn’t, Maul could have just taken you,” Kanan said.  “And no matter what he does to me, I’d rather be here than let you go through this alone.”

“Kanan, he’s going to kill you,” Ezra said, his voice breaking.

“Any Jedi would give their life for their student,” Kanan said.  “And any parent would do the same for their kid.”

But Ezra knew, underneath those noble and reassuring words, Kanan was afraid.  He didn’t want to die, and the knowledge that he might be killed soon and he didn’t have a way to stop it scared him.

Kanan’s grip on Ezra’s hand tightened and when he spoke again, there was a desperate urgency in his voice.

“Ezra, listen to me,” he said.  “If you find a chance to escape, you take it.  Leave me here if you have to, just get yourself out.”

“No,” Ezra said.  “I’m not leaving you.”

“Ezra, please --”

“No!” Ezra said again.  “I don’t care what happens to me.  I won't leave you here to die.  Please don’t ask me to do that.”

“I’m not asking,” Kanan said.  “I’m telling you to do it.  If you have a chance, you run.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” Kanan said.  “You’ve always been a survivor, Ezra.  Use that.  Save yourself while you still can.”

“Kanan, please,” Ezra said quietly, trying not to let the fresh tears forming in his eyes creep into his voice.  “Don’t.  I can't do it.”

“Hey,” Kanan said softly, hearing the distress in Ezra’s voice.  He put his arms around Ezra’s shoulders and pulled him close to his chest.  “I’m sorry, Ezra.  I’m sorry.  It’s okay.”

“I won't leave you,” Ezra said.

“How touching,” a voice said from behind him.  Ezra froze, instinctively clinging tighter to Kanan as all of his senses jumped to high alert.  He hadn’t realized Maul had come back.

“It’s alright, Ezra,” Maul said as he approached the two of them.  “You don’t have to worry about leaving him.  You won't be escaping this time.”

He grabbed Ezra’s arm and dragged him to his feet, pulling him away from Kanan.

“Don’t touch him,” Kanan growled.  His words were met with a strong kick to the chest.

As Kanan doubled over from the pain, Maul led Ezra out of the cell.

“Why did you leave me with him?” Ezra asked as the door locked behind them.  “What could you possibly gain from that?”

“Nothing,” Maul said.

“Then why do it?”

For a second, Ezra was sure he wasn’t going to answer.

“For you.”

Ezra stopped walking and stared at Maul.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.

“It means,” Maul said, giving a sharp tug on Ezra’s arm to force him to start moving again, “exactly what it sounds like.  I did it for you.”

“And you think being kind enough to give me a few minutes with Kanan is going to make me more loyal to you?” Ezra asked, a bitter edge to his voice.  How could Maul think he would fall for such an obvious ploy?

“No,” Maul said, his voice almost gentle.  “In fact, I’m sure it did the opposite.  I’m sure seeing the state he’s in has just made you hate me even more.”

“Well, you’re right,” Ezra said through gritted teeth.  “I will _never_ forgive you for this.  I will _never_ be your apprentice again.”

“You’ve never stopped being my apprentice, Ezra,” Maul said.  “You may have run away, but I have never stopped trying to help you.”  He must have sensed what Ezra was thinking, because the next words he spoke were “You think I don’t care about you.”  It wasn’t a question.

“I _know_ you don’t,” Ezra snapped, his fury growing in his chest.  Maul stopped walking and faced Ezra, grabbing hold of both his arms and looking directly into the boy’s eyes.  Ezra’s anger evaporated in an instant, fear taking hold in its place.

“I did everything I could to train you,” he said.  “To make you stronger, to prepare you for every challenge the galaxy would throw in your path.  I could have left you on Lothal as a child and you would have been dead long ago.  Don’t think for a moment that I never cared.”

Maul released Ezra, who stood perfectly still, every muscle in his body tensed, waiting for the inevitable blow.  But Maul just put his hand on Ezra’s shoulder, continuing to lead him back to his cell.

“You can hate me all you want, son,” Maul said.  “But that doesn’t matter.  I only want what’s best for you.”

“Don’t call me that,” Ezra said quietly.  “And don’t try to tell me you want what’s best for me when you’re trying to destroy the only family I have left.”

“They are not your family,” Maul said.  “And the sooner you realize that, the less painful this will be for you.”

“I’m never going to see him again, am I?” Ezra asked as they stopped outside the door to the cell.  “That’s why you left me with him.  Because it was the last time we’d ever see each other.”

“Just be grateful I gave you that chance,” Maul said.  He opened the door and pushed Ezra forward.  Ezra stumbled into the cell and the door shut behind him, sealing him once again in the dark, cold room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: child abuse; manipulation; (very obvious) gaslighting; restraint of a child; torture

Ezra stood against the wall, beside the door.  This wasn’t a good plan.  The chances of success were slim, but he would never forgive himself if he didn’t at least try.  He’d found no sign of cameras or listening devices in the cell, so he had the element of surprise, if nothing else.  Assuming Maul even came into the cell at all today.  Ezra almost gave up on waiting when he heard Maul’s footsteps in the hallway.  He steeled himself, getting ready.  He’d only have one chance.

As the door slid open, and Maul took his first step into the cell, Ezra shoved past him into the hallway.  Maul grabbed hold of him, dragging him back into the cell, his forearm pressed over Ezra’s throat as he pulled him back against his chest.  Ezra scratched at his arm, trying to pry his hold loose, but Maul held on.

“Did you really think that would work?” Maul asked.

“Had to try,” Ezra said, gasping for air as Maul released him.

Ezra cried out as Maul activated the stun cuffs, sending a painful shock coursing through him as he fell to the ground.

“I know you’re angry,” Maul said as he hauled Ezra back to his feet.  “I know this isn’t easy for you after everything the Jedi has done to you.  But my patience with your being childish won't last forever.”

“He didn’t do anything to me,” Ezra said.  “Except help me realize that you used me.”

“I saved you,” Maul said.  “I _raised_ you.  Has he really made you forget that?”

“No,” Ezra said quietly, a small but insistent knot of guilt forming in his chest.  He hated the fact that he felt guilty about what he’d said, but that small voice in the back of his mind quietly reminded him that Maul _had_ taken him in, had taught him about the Force, had taken care of him and even protected him.

Ezra took a step back, his shoulders creeping up defensively even as he tried to push those thoughts aside.  He couldn’t let himself be tricked or taken in by Maul’s words.  And nothing Maul said, no matter how true it was, changed everything he’d done to hurt Ezra.

“I never used you, Ezra,” Maul said.  “I taught you how to wield your own power.  The Jedi is the one who’s using you.  His rebellion would have burned out long ago without the two of you as symbols.  He wants your power as long as _he_ is the one controlling it.”

Ezra shook his head even as he felt like the floor had dropped away beneath his feet as two competing instincts fought inside his head.  The instinct to deny everything Maul said, to cling to what Kanan taught him, to never let himself be manipulated by this monster again, and the instinct embedded in him long ago to listen to Maul, to look up to him, to obey him.

Another scream from Kanan’s cell cut through the air, piercing through Ezra like a knife through his heart and wrenching him out of his thoughts.  He put his hands over his ears, the only possible defense he had, letting out a small, agonized shriek that was muffled as he clenched his jaw tight.  Maul grabbed Ezra’s wrists, pulling his hands away from his ears.

“You _will_ listen to this, apprentice,” he said.  “This is the sound of the man who destroyed you paying the price for what he did.”

“No!” Ezra shouted, fighting against Maul’s iron grip on his wrists.  “Let go!”

Maul released one of Ezra’s hands and struck him hard across the face.  He slammed his hand down on Ezra’s shoulder, forcing him to turn around and pushing him against the wall.  He grabbed hold of Ezra’s wrist again, pulling his arms behind him and activating the lock on the stun cuffs, binding Ezra’s hands together, stopping him from trying to block out the sound of Kanan’s screams.  As Ezra tried to pull out of his grip, Maul struck again, knocking Ezra to the ground.

Ezra backed away, pushing himself across the floor into the corner, wrenching at the cuffs, even though he knew it was useless.  He pulled his knees up to his chest, making himself as small as possible as Maul approached.  Another agonized scream split the air.  Ezra strained harder at the cuffs, feeling their metal edges cutting into his skin.  Tears stung at his eyes and slid down his cheeks as he remembered the sight of Kanan, restrained and screaming as he was shocked over and over again.

Maul crouched down in front of Ezra, who pressed himself back against the wall, ignoring the pain as his wrists were crushed behind him.  Maul reached out, resting his hands on Ezra’s shoulders.  Ezra wanted to pull away, but he’d backed himself into a corner with nowhere to go.  Something grew tight in his chest and he suddenly felt like a little kid again, desperately trying not to cower in fear, knowing the worst was yet to come and there was no way out of it.

“Look at what he’s turned you into,” Maul said.  “Trying to hide in the corner like a scared child.”

It made Ezra want to scream.  He _was_ a scared child and it had taken so long for him to realize it and he wanted to be anything except that.  The knowledge that that was  _all_ he was twisted around inside him, trying to tear through his chest.

Ezra threw himself to one side, trying to pull himself out of the corner he’d backed himself into, though he had no idea what he planned to do after that.  Maul caught Ezra’s shoulder and shoved him down onto the ground, his knee pressing into Ezra’s back, pinning him down.

“He deserves this, Ezra,” Maul said as another scream echoed to them through the walls.  Maul’s voice was gentle, almost like he was trying to soothe Ezra, which only made Ezra more furious and more desperate to get away.  “And you deserve to hear it.  He stripped you of your power, your purpose, _everything_ that made you who you are.”

“No,” Ezra said, throwing all of his strength into trying to push Maul away from him.

“He made you weak because he only saw you as a threat,” Maul said, not even needing to react to Ezra's struggles.  Another scream echoed around them as he spoke.

“That’s not true!” Ezra said.

As Kanan’s scream dug its way into his mind, Ezra slammed his head down against the floor, letting out a cry of his own.  One of Maul’s hands came down over Ezra’s mouth, the other closing around the back of his neck so he couldn’t pull away, stopping him from being able to drown out the sound of Kanan’s pain.  Ezra fought to break free, but Maul’s grip was like durasteel, holding him in place.

“He deserves this,” Maul said again.

“No!” Ezra screamed, the sound muffled by Maul’s hand.

“He used you,” Maul said, ignoring Ezra’s cry.  “He has earned this pain.”

Ezra struggled against Maul’s grip, but Maul easily held him in place, pinning him against the floor, forcing him to listen to Kanan’s screams.  The sound sank into Ezra’s mind, digging deeper and deeper until it felt like it was coming from inside his own head as well as around him.

On some distant level, Ezra knew it was probably just a few minutes, but it felt like hours before Maul finally released him.  Ezra had stopped screaming, stopped struggling.  He just lay there, tears streaming down his face as Kanan’s screams echoed around him, ringing in his ears.

“Don’t cry over him, Ezra,” Maul said.  “He isn’t worth it.”

Maul released the lock on the cuffs, freeing Ezra’s hands.  Ezra quickly sat up and brushed the tears from his face, his breath coming in short, shaking gasps.  As Maul stood, Ezra stared up at him for a moment before jumping to his feet and lunging at him, not even knowing what he was planning to do.  Maul had clearly been expecting it and threw out a hand, pushing Ezra back against the wall, pinning him there.

Ezra braced himself, waiting for a blow or a shock or his throat to start tightening, but nothing happened.  Maul only held him there, staring him down as if daring him to try something.  As Maul looked at him, Ezra felt a surge of what seemed almost like pity and sympathy in the Force that infuriated him even as he clung desperately to it.  In an instant, it was gone, Ezra was dropped to the ground, and Maul quickly left the cell.

Ezra curled up in a tight ball, his eyes squeezed shut and his hands over his ears.  It dampened the sound of screaming a little, but it did nothing to stop Maul’s voice from repeating in his head.  _He deserves this.  He stripped you of your power.  He made you weak._

“It’s not true,” Ezra muttered.  “It’s not true.  It’s not true.”

But he almost didn’t care.  He didn’t care if what Maul said was true or not.  He didn’t care if it was Maul or Kanan who had been right the whole time.  He just wanted all of this to stop.

* * *

 

Kanan didn’t hear the door open over the sound of his own screams, but he felt Maul’s presence the moment he entered the cell.  As the shock subsided, Kanan braced himself for the next one, but it didn’t come.  His restraints were released and he fell to the ground, gasping as his heart pounded like it was trying to break out of his chest, grateful for even a moment of relief.  Even being tortured by the Inquisitor hadn’t been this brutal.  He hadn’t wanted Kanan to die before giving him any useful information.  But Maul didn’t want anything from Kanan except to watch him suffer.

Kanan had barely been free for a minute when he was thrown back, hitting the wall behind him.  His ears rang as his head struck the metal.  Through it, he heard the telltale sound of a lightsaber’s blade being ignited.

“No,” he muttered.  “Ezra.”

He instinctively reached out through the Force, searching for Ezra’s presence in the cell.  He bit back a cry of pain as the stun cuffs activated and another shock shot through him.

“He isn’t here,” Maul said, his footsteps drawing closer to Kanan.  “You aren’t dying today.  My apprentice isn’t ready.”

“He is not your apprentice,” Kanan said.  It was all he could do right now.  Until he found a way to get himself and Ezra out of here, all he could do was push back against everything Maul said to him, and hold out as long as he could.  “You lost.  He will never be what you tried to turn him into.”

“What I tried to turn him into,” Maul repeated with a soft, sinister laugh.  “Do you think I forced him to turn to the dark side?”

There was a _hum_ of the blade moving through the air and Kanan froze as it came up under his chin, just inches from his throat.

“I barely had to do anything,” Maul said.  “He was lost and alone and full of rage, and he had no idea what he was capable of.  I showed him his potential.  I gave him a purpose that _you_ took away from him.”

He brought his saber slashing down across Kanan’s chest, leaving a shallow gash, not deep enough to cause any fatal damage, but more then deep enough to tear a cry of pain from Kanan’s lungs as his flesh burned under the blade.

“I saved him from an early death and freed him from a life barely worth living,” Maul said.  “He needed me, more than he will ever need you.”

“No,” Kanan said, his teeth gritted against the pain.  “He needed a home.  He needed someone who would look after him and protect him and love him.  If you cared about him even half as much as you pretend to, you would have actually treated him like your son.”

“And what would a Jedi know about being a father?” Maul asked, taunting him.

“More than you ever will.”

Kanan braced himself for the next strike from Maul’s lightsaber, crying out as the blade slashed across his chest again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .......I'm sorry. Please don't kill me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: child abuse; psychological torture; broken bones

Ezra lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling.  It was a mercifully quiet day -- or night; Ezra couldn’t know which -- with no screams echoing through the walls, burning themselves into Ezra’s mind.  In some ways, he took a twisted sense of comfort in Maul’s promise that he would see Kanan die.  It meant a period of silence was truly a break from the torment rather than sheer agony as he waited, desperately listening for any signs of life.

The worst part wasn’t even the screams.  It was the inability to mark time in any way.  He’d tried to find some way to do it, but there was truly nothing.  The low level of light in the cell never changed and there didn’t seem to be any consistency to when Maul came into the cell for whichever reason.  Sleeping only made it worse, with even short, fitful bursts of it destroying whatever fragile sense of time Ezra managed to develop.  He could still feel the bruises on his face from a second escape attempt and the resulting beating.  If he kept it up, he’d thought bitterly, maybe he could start marking days by how long it took his injuries to heal.

As the door slid open, Ezra sat up, mentally sighing as he prepared for another agonizing session of Maul trying to convince him that Kanan had never really cared about him.  That was how it had been for days now, Maul trying to slowly chip away at Ezra’s trust in Kanan, finding old wounds and insecurities Ezra had thought he’d long since moved past and opening them up again.

“How long have I been here?” Ezra asked, wondering if Maul would even answer him.  Keeping him from knowing how much time had passed would help keep him disoriented and off balance, which would only help Maul break him down.

“Eleven standard days,” Maul said.

Ezra turned the words over in his head.  It somehow felt both longer and shorter than that, and Ezra briefly wondered if Maul was telling the truth.  In the end, he chose to accept it.  At least it was something.

“Kanan’s quiet,” Ezra said.

“He’s still alive,” Maul told him.

“I know,” Ezra said, almost surprising himself with the resignation in his voice.  “You told me I’d see it happen.”

His voice trembled just slightly as he reached the end of the sentence, a lump forming in his throat.

Maul knelt down a few feet away from Ezra.  Out of arms’ reach, Ezra noted, giving him more time to react if Ezra tried to attack him.  For a moment, he was silent, observing Ezra.  It was all Ezra could do not to physically squirm under his gaze.

“What did you feel when you opened the Sith holocron?” Maul asked.

“I told you, I didn’t open it,” Ezra said.

“There’s no point in continuing to lie to me, Ezra,” Maul said.  “What did you feel?”

“I’m not doing this,” Ezra said.  “I’m not your apprentice.  I’m not letting you try to teach me anything.”

“I’m not trying to teach you anything,” Maul said.  “Only remind you of what you’ve known since you were a child.”

Ezra clenched his jaw tightly.  He would _not_ let Maul play this mind game with him.

“You felt powerful, didn’t you?” Maul said.  “All that knowledge at your fingertips, using your anger to reach it, learning what you could truly do with the power of the dark side, you felt stronger than you had in years.”

“Yes,” Ezra said, the word catching in his throat, as if Maul had pulled the answer from inside his head.

“Your strength comes from your anger, apprentice,” Maul said.  “The Jedi has only taught you to deny your true strength.”

“I’m not your apprentice,” Ezra muttered.  The words were practically a script at this point.  He knew they wouldn’t change a thing, but he had to keep saying them anyway.

“You turned your back on your power because of him,” Maul said.  “Until I found you on Malachor and you embraced the dark side again.”

Ezra shook his head.

“You know it’s true, son.”

Ezra threw himself at Maul, driven forward by some primal, furious rage that felt like something inside him was cracking in half.  He knew he couldn’t use the Force, but he didn’t need to.  His sudden movement took Maul off guard and Ezra pinned him to the ground, drawing back his fist and slamming it into Maul’s face, putting his rage and his hatred and his desperate need to hurt _someone_ behind the action.  He drew back and struck again.

His second punch has barely made contact when Maul caught his wrist, throwing Ezra off of him.  As he got to his feet, dragging Ezra up with him, he twisted Ezra’s wrist in his hand.  Ezra felt the pain shoot up through his arm just before he heard the _crack._   He cried out as Maul’s grip tightened around his now-broken wrist and with his free hand, he drove his fist into Ezra’s stomach.  Before Ezra could get his breath back, Maul released him and pushed out through the Force, throwing Ezra against the far wall of the cell.  Ezra slammed against it and fell to the ground in a heap.

“You are _not_ my father,” Ezra said as he dragged himself to his feet, one hand braced against the wall.  “And you’re not my master.  Not anymore.  Kanan is.”

“Kanan is weak,” Maul said as he approached Ezra, who stood his ground even as he was shaking from rage.  “He made you afraid of your own power and if you continue to follow him, he will get you killed.  I won't let you throw your life away for him.”

“Don’t act like this is about you caring about me!” Ezra said.  “Don’t act like this is about anything but control!”

Ezra’s words were cut off as Maul viciously backhanded him, hard enough to knock him back to the ground.

“Do you think I like hurting you, Ezra?” Maul growled, towering over him, fury in his eyes.

“Yeah, actually, I think you do!” Ezra shot back, anger briefly overpowering his fear.  “I think it makes you feel powerful, being able to hurt me and knowing I’m afraid of you.”

Maul’s hand closed into a fist and Ezra fought against the instinct to flinch, to lower his gaze in submission, to try and take back what he said.  He forced himself to stay still, to keep looking up at Maul with a defiant glare, even as he waited for the pain he knew would come.

But it didn’t.  As Ezra watched, Maul’s hand relaxed, though the anger that seemed to press up against Ezra didn’t fade.

“One day you’ll understand, _my son_ ,” Maul said, his voice cold.  Ezra knew the word was said just to hurt him even more.  “This is all for the best.”

As Maul turned away from him and walked toward the door, Ezra felt like something was tearing at the inside of his chest, trying to claw its way out of him.  He wanted this to end and he didn’t care how anymore.

“Wait,” Ezra called.  To his surprise, Maul stopped and turned back to face him, waiting patiently as Ezra pushed himself up onto his knees.

“If I stay here, will you let Kanan go?” Ezra asked.  “Because I’ll do it.  I’ll stay.  I won't fight you.  I -- I’ll be good.  Just let Kanan go.”

“Oh, Ezra,” Maul said, a mocking tone to his voice as he drew closer to his former apprentice.  “Do you really think I would let him walk away after what you did?”

“What _I_ did,” Ezra said, the words rushing out in his desperation to find some way to save Kanan.  “This was me.  I’m the one who betrayed you.  He didn’t draw me away from you.  I ran because I -- I was weak.  It wasn’t his fault.  Don’t hurt Kanan for something I did!”

Even as Ezra kept his head down, he could feel Maul’s eyes on him.  He stayed silent, waiting for Maul’s response.  If Maul truly believed Kanan had manipulated Ezra, maybe he would accept Ezra trying to take the blame instead.  If he didn’t believe that, he would only find a way to use this against him.

“You need to face the consequences of your actions, Ezra,” Maul said, his voice cold.

“So make _me_ face them,” Ezra said.  “Not him.  He didn’t --”

Ezra was cut off by Maul grabbing his chin, forcing him to look up directly into his eyes.

“You are not in any place to be negotiating,” he said.  “You are an apprentice who disobeyed and betrayed his master, and your punishment is to watch Kanan Jarrus suffer and die.  Whatever pain he goes through is all because _you_ brought it on him.”

He released his grip on Ezra, who began to shake as he stared down at the floor, tears welling up and stinging at his eyes.

“Please,” he choked out through his tears.  “Please, don’t kill him.  Please…Master.”  It was the first time he’d used that word to refer to Maul in years, and as he said it, he felt like something deep inside him was breaking in two.  But he didn’t care.  He was ready to do or say anything to save Kanan.

Ezra’s arms folded across his chest, like he was trying to hold the pain inside of him.  He rocked slightly, even knowing it would do nothing to soothe him when he felt like everything inside him was being ripped out.

“I’ll do anything,” Ezra said.  “I promise.”

“Do you think this will save him?” Maul asked, his voice like ice, scraping harshly inside Ezra’s head.  “None of this would be happening if you hadn’t defied me.  All of this is _your_ fault, Ezra.”

Ezra shook his head.

“Say it,” Maul ordered.

“No,” Ezra said quietly.

The air around Ezra’s throat tightened for only a few seconds before he was thrown backwards into the wall.  He crumpled to the ground, landing painfully on his side.  Before Ezra could pick himself up, Maul crossed the cell in a few quick steps and kicked Ezra in the chest.  Ezra gasped as a sharp pain shot through his side.  Another kick and the pain grew worse.

“Say it,” Maul said again.

“No!” Ezra shouted.  He quickly raised his arm to block another kick that would have hit his probably-broken ribs.  The blow to his arm was hard enough that he dropped his defense and Maul kicked again.  Ezra cried out and pulled his knees up to protect his chest.

“This is my fault,” he said quietly.

“I didn’t hear you,” Maul said, his voice so cold Ezra could feel it in his veins, turning his blood to ice, paralyzing him in fear.

“This is my fault,” Ezra repeated.

“What is?” Maul asked, not missing his chance to twist the knife.

“Kanan -- Kanan being hurt,” Ezra said, his voice breaking.  “When Kanan dies.  All of this -- all of it is my fault.”

Saying it felt like he was being ripped apart from the inside out, but he knew it was true.  If it hadn’t been for him, Kanan would be safe right now, with Hera and Sabine and Zeb and Chopper, instead of facing his death.

“This is my fault,” Ezra said again.  “I know.  I know none of this would be happening if I hadn’t joined them.  If I’d never left, everyone would be safe.”

Ezra wasn’t even talking to Maul at this point.  He was shaking, his eyes shut tight as he tried in vain to stop the tears that slid down his face, burning his skin.

“This is my fault,” he said again, his voice barely above a whisper.  “I’m sorry, Kanan.  I’m sorry.”

Ezra gasped as a hand gripped his hair, forcing his head up.  He opened his eyes to see Maul crouching beside him, fury in his eyes as he looked at Ezra.

“Get up,” he growled.

When Ezra didn’t respond, Maul tightened his grip in Ezra’s hair, dragging him up and forcing him to his feet.  Maul gripped Ezra’s upper arms and shoved him back against the wall.  The impact sent a jolt of pain shooting through Ezra’s chest, radiating from his broken ribs.

“You are never to speak his name again,” Maul said.  “Do you understand me?”

Ezra said nothing as he glared furiously up at Maul through his tears.  He had never hated anyone as much as he hated Maul as he stood there, pinned against the wall, being told to forget the man who had become like a father to him.  Fury burned in his chest as he forced himself to meet those terrifying yellow eyes with his own angry, defiant stare.

Maul struck him across the face hard enough that his head was knocked back against the wall.

“Do you understand me, apprentice?” Maul growled.  Still Ezra said nothing.  Maul raised his hand again and Ezra’s mask of defiance shattered.

“Yes, Master,” he said.

“Good boy,” Maul said, lowering his hand and releasing his grip on Ezra’s arm.

Rage flared up in Ezra’s chest at his words, but he held himself back, forcing himself not to act on it.  He couldn’t do anything.  Right now, badly injured, unable to use the Force, backed into a corner, he was helpless.  That thought only fueled his anger.  Maul had taken him from his family and was going to kill Kanan and Ezra was _helpless_.

Maul took a step back, his eyes still on Ezra, as if to make sure he wasn’t going to do anything.  To make sure he was truly broken.  Ezra tried to tell himself he wasn’t; he was just making the smart choice and not doing anything _now_.

Apparently satisfied that it was safe to turn his back on Ezra, Maul turned away and left the cell.  Ezra sank back to the floor, his knees hugged tight against his chest.  He tried to ignore the sharp pain in his side with each heavy gasp of air he drew in.  There was nothing he could do about it.  He was trapped and helpless and _alone_ with no way to save Kanan or himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......sorry sorry sorry


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: mention of infected wounds; torture; child abuse

Kanan ran his hand over the wall beside the door, searching for a way to open it from the inside.  When he found the control panel, he stopped.  He leaned close to the door, straining to hear any movement outside of it.  Hearing nothing, he hit the switch on the panel.  Nothing.  Of course it wouldn’t work.  Maul wouldn’t leave the door unlocked, especially not when Kanan was free to move.

Now that the most obvious solution was out of the way, Kanan felt at the edges of the control panel.  He dug his nails into the groove on the panel.  The metal edges cut into his skin as he pried at the durasteel.  It creaked and groaned in protest as he worked the metal from side to side.  With no warning, the panel broke free, clattering to the ground at Kanan’s feet.  He froze for a moment, listening for any approaching sound.  Hearing nothing, he crouched down and carefully ran his fingertips over the wires he'd uncovered.  This wouldn’t be easy without his sight, but he couldn’t afford to let that stop him.  By his best guess, they’d been here for two weeks, maybe longer, and he didn’t know how much longer he or Ezra would last.

It took Kanan twenty minutes, by his estimation, and two brief shocks when he touched the wrong live wire, but finally he heard the soft _whoosh_ of the door opening and breathed a sigh of relief.  At the moment, it was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard.

He pushed himself to his feet and stepped out into the hallway, moving as quietly as he could.  He limped down the hall, his hand trailing along the wall beside him.  With each step, the hot, sharp pain in his right leg only reminded him that the lightsaber wound to his thigh was probably infected.  He felt the change in the wall as he reached another door.  He pressed his ear to it, listening for any signs of life behind it.

“Ezra,” he whispered, not wanting to risk Maul hearing him if he called out.  There was no response.

“Ezra,” he said again, just slightly louder this time.  Still, there was nothing.

He moved further down the hall, feeling for the next door.  A quiet, echoing _clank_ of metal on metal met his ears and Kanan froze.  His throat tightened and he was dragged backward until the unseen grip on his throat was replaced by a hand.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t know if you left your cell?” Maul said, his harsh voice ringing in Kanan’s ears.

“Where is he?” Kanan choked out, scratching at Maul’s hand and wrist, trying to loosen his grip.

Kanan stumbled as Maul dragged him forward.  Kanan heard the _hiss_ of another door opening just before he was pushed through it.  As he gasped for breath, he was thrown backwards, slammed against the wall, and crumpled to the ground.

“I warned you,” Maul said.  “Everything you do will affect Ezra.”

“No!” Kanan shouted.  As he stood up, he was pushed back against the wall again, pinned in place as he struggled in vain against Maul’s grip.  “Leave him alone!”

“You knew what would happen if you tried to escape,” Maul told him, his voice icy and emotionless.  “And you tried anyway.  You brought this on him, and I will make sure he knows it.”

“No!” Kanan cried again.  But his pleas had no effect as Maul’s hold on him released and he left the cell.

“Ezra, I’m sorry,” Kanan muttered.  “I’m sorry.”

An agonizing silence filled the cell as Kanan was left there with nothing but his guilt and his mind filling in the blank spaces with what Maul might be doing to Ezra.  Images filled his mind of Ezra being beaten, being restrained and shocked like he had been, being held down as Maul dragged his lightsaber across Ezra’s skin.

A scream split the air, and Kanan felt like his chest was being torn open.  The sound rang in his ears and in his head, searing itself into his mind.  Ezra, his son, screaming in pain, because of _him_.  Because of his plan that he’d barely thought through.

Another scream echoed around him, a word this time.

“Please!”

Kanan’s fingers tangled in his hair.  He wanted to try and block the sound from his head, but he couldn’t.  He didn’t deserve to.  This was happening to Ezra because of him.  He’d chosen to put Ezra in danger by trying to escape.

“Stay strong, Ezra,” he whispered.  “I’m so sorry.”

* * *

 

Ezra’s whole body ached from bruises that covered what felt like every inch of it and his broken wrist send sharp bursts of pain up his arm as the restraints pulled at it every time he moved.  His wrists were bound to something above his head, forcing him to stand on the balls of his feet.  He had tried to ease the pain at first by shifting his weight, but whenever he did, another jolt of pain from his wrist would shoot through his arm.  Eventually, he had given up and tried to move as little as possible.  Now he just stood still, his legs shaking after hours of being forced to stand like this.

Part of him wanted to fight and scream and try to break free, even knowing he wouldn’t succeed, but he kept that part quiet.  He knew the fastest, easiest way to end this was silence and submission.  He knew Maul would have to release him eventually, and that would happen sooner if Ezra said nothing and just took it.

Sure enough, at long last, the door to the cell slid open.  As Maul entered, Ezra instinctively looked up for just a second, then lowered his gaze back to the floor.  For a moment, Maul stood there, surveying him, neither of them saying a word.  Ezra’s heart hammered as he wondered if this was just a cruel trick to get his hopes up only for Maul to leave him like this even longer.  Almost as soon as that thought flitted into his mind, the restraints around Ezra’s wrists opened and Ezra fell to the ground, unable to stay on his feet.

Ezra gasped as horrible, painful relief crashed over him.  The muscles in his legs and shoulders screamed even as Ezra stayed as still as he could, trying not to move, knowing it would just hurt more.  Carefully lifting his head and looking up at Maul, he tried to form words, but they caught in his throat.

“Something to say, apprentice?” Maul asked coldly.

“Why?” Ezra muttered, barely even able to speak.  “I didn’t do anything.”

“You’re right,” Maul said.  “You didn’t.  But the Jedi did.  He tried to escape, even knowing that if he did, you would be the one to face the consequences.”

“Then I guess it was worth it,” Ezra said.  Unable to keep up the strain of looking up at Maul, he let his head rest on the floor again, almost welcoming the cool metal against his face.

“He wasn’t looking for you,” Maul said.  The words hit Ezra like something heavy falling on his back.  He fought back the instinct to believe them, to listen to his master… _no, Maul, **not** his master._

“No,” Ezra said.  “You’re lying.”

“The man you call your master and your _father_ was going to abandon you here,” Maul said.  “And why shouldn’t he?  You’re the reason this is happening to him.  Why shouldn’t he save himself and leave you behind?”

“He wouldn’t do that to me,” Ezra said.

“But he did,” Maul said.  Ezra couldn’t help but cringe at the tone in his voice, as if Maul really felt sorry for him.  “He planned to leave you here while he escaped and moved on and forgot about you.”

“No!” Ezra said again.  “You’re lying!  I know you’re lying!  Kanan wouldn’t do that!”

The stun cuffs activated and Ezra cried out as a painful shock tore through him, leaving him gasping for breath.  In his anger and his weakened state, he’d forgotten that he wasn’t allowed to say Kanan’s name anymore.

“He doesn’t care about you, Ezra,” Maul said.  “He was only ever interested in drawing you away from your power, but he knows it’s not worth his life.”

“No,” Ezra muttered.  Maul was lying to him.  Maul was manipulating him.  It was what he did, what he’d always done.  _He_ was the one who’d never cared.  Except…

Ezra groaned, one hand coming up and clawing into the back of his neck as he tried to force himself not to follow those thoughts.  He couldn’t think like that.  That was what Maul wanted.

Maul crouched down in front of Ezra and placed a hand on the back of his head.

“Don’t,” Ezra muttered, but he was too weak to pull away.

“He did this to you,” Maul said.

“ _You_ did this to me,” Ezra said.

“He knew what would happen to you,” Maul continued, as if Ezra hadn’t spoken.  “He decided it was worth the risk if he could escape, alone, without you.”

“No, no, no, _no_ ,” Ezra muttered, echoing the thoughts in his head and realizing a second too late that he’d spoken out loud.

Again, Ezra felt that surge of pity and dug his nails deeper into his skin.  He wanted to scream.  He wanted to lash out.  He wanted to hurt…anyone.  Not just Maul, but _anyone_ he could reach.  But he could barely move.

“Did you really think of me as your son?” he asked, the question tumbling out before he even realized he was thinking it.

He felt Maul’s hand stiffen as he was caught off guard by the question.  When he finally spoke, his voice was so gentle it almost hurt to hear it.

“I still do,” he said.

“Then don’t do this to me,” Ezra said.  “Stop.  Please.  I told you I’d stay.  I promised to be good.”

“If I let the Jedi go,” Maul said.  “And that can’t happen.”

“Please,” Ezra muttered, even knowing it wouldn’t do him any good.  He dug his nails in even deeper and felt blood welling up around them.  Maul’s hand closed around Ezra’s wrist and pulled his hand away from his neck.  Ezra furiously wrenched his arm away, wincing as a muscle in his shoulder seemed to spasm, sending pain shooting through his back and arm.

“Don’t,” he said.  _Don’t act like you care if I’m hurt.  Don’t you **dare** act like my father._

Maul said nothing.  His hand lingered on the back of Ezra’s head for a moment before he stood up and turned to leave the cell.  As the door closed, a deep, heavy sob wracked Ezra’s body.  Tears clung to his cheeks as he lay there, unable to move, feeling like he was being crushed and the walls were closing in around him.

* * *

 

Ezra had been holding them back, but Maul heard the tears start just before the door closed behind him.  Ezra never had been particularly good at stopping himself from crying.  Those nine years before Maul had found him had left him with a core of softness and _weakness_ that Maul had never been able to drive from him completely.  Maybe if he had gotten to Ezra sooner, this wouldn’t have to be happening now.

Maul shoved that thought aside.  There was nothing he could do to change that.  One day, these past weeks would be nothing but a distant memory for Ezra.  One day, his apprentice would understand.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: death wish; Force-assisted mental invasion

_You’ll be begging me to end your life._

It felt like so long ago that Maul had said those words, and now they rang in Kanan’s head, growing louder and more insistent with every passing hour.  There was some small part of him, a part that he hated more than he had ever hated anything, that was ready to die, that _wanted_ to die.  But he wouldn’t let that part of him win.  He couldn’t.  Ezra needed him.  He had to live.

But he wouldn’t.  He knew that.  No matter how much he told himself that he _had_ to make it out of this alive for Ezra’s sake, he knew it wasn’t going to happen.  He was too weak to fight back against Maul, and too afraid to do anything that could put Ezra at risk again.  He still didn’t know what Maul had done to him after Kanan’s failed attempt to escape.  He only had the memory of Ezra’s terrified scream and an empty void for his mind to fill with any horrible possibility he could imagine.

Kanan had to believe that Ezra would survive this.  Maybe he would even escape one day.  Maybe he would be able to find his way home.  But Kanan was going to die.  He was going to die here and Ezra would be forced to watch it happen.

“I’m sorry, Ezra,” Kanan muttered.  They were practically the only words he said anymore, hoping against hope that even if he couldn’t reach across their bond, Ezra could sense how sorry he was for everything that had led them to this.

The door opened and Kanan didn’t move from where he sat against the far wall of the cell.  He could feel Maul’s eyes on him, as if he was trying to determine if Kanan was really as close to death as Kanan knew he probably looked.  Maybe if he thought Kanan was just barely hanging on, Kanan would be relatively safe for a day.  That was happening more often as time went on.  Maul probably didn't want to risk accidentally killing him before he thought Ezra was ready to see it.

“What did you do to him?” Kanan asked.

“My apprentice is not your concern,” Maul said.  “He knows where he belongs now.”

The words were like claws sinking into Kanan’s mind.  Whatever Maul had done to Ezra, it could have broken him completely, and Kanan had no way of knowing if it had.

“Please,” he said, his voice breaking.  “Just let Ezra go.”

“And why would I do that?”

“You raised him,” Kanan said, his voice growing more and more desperate with each word.  “You said he was your son.  If there’s any part of you that ever really cared about him, just let him go.  Kill me if you have to, but don’t do this to him.”

“I _will_ kill you,” Maul said.  “And when I do, Ezra will be there, at my side.  And he will always be at my side.  He won't be trying to leave again.”

Every word Maul said slashed into Kanan like a knife as Kanan felt something deep inside himself breaking in two.  Maul was never going to let Ezra go, and if what he said was true -- _it’s not_ , Kanan tried to tell himself, _it can’t be_ \-- then it didn’t matter, anyway.

Ezra had fought so hard to get away from Maul and break free from the dark side, and now he’d been dragged back into the darkness.  And Kanan couldn’t protect him.  He couldn’t fight back against Maul, he couldn’t convince him to let Ezra go, and he couldn’t even lie to Ezra and tell him everything would be okay.  There was nothing he could do.  For the first time in his life, Kanan didn’t just feel powerless, he knew that he was.

“Please don’t make him watch,” Kanan said.  That was all he had left, a chance to spare Ezra the pain of seeing him die.

“Don’t worry,” Maul said.  “I’ll take good care of him when you’re gone.”

He may as well have twisted a knife in Kanan’s gut.

* * *

 

Ezra had felt the conflict and agitation buzzing in the air even before Maul entered his cell.  He could feel it humming in his own chest like a swarm of wasps as Maul paced in front of him.  Ezra stayed frozen where he was, his back to the wall, too scared to say or do anything, as if the tension in the room was holding him in place.  He’d felt this before and he knew what it meant.  It meant Maul was about to do something he didn’t necessarily want to do, but felt like he had to.  And that always meant something bad.

As Maul turned to face him, Ezra saw he was holding something in his hand.  Ezra felt a gentle pull in his chest, just under his heart, as he realized what it was.  One of the missing pieces of the Sith holocron.

“When we merged the holocrons,” Maul said, looking down at the shard in his hand rather than at Ezra, “the information they gave us was incomplete.”

“I can't tell you anything,” Ezra said.  “I don’t know what I saw.”

“I know,” Maul said.  “But even pieces of holocrons have information that can be retrieved.  It was fragmented, but I’ve found a way to complete the vision we both had.  We need to merge our minds again and let the pieces fall into place, then we will each have the answers we’re looking for.”

“No,” Ezra said, shaking his head.  “I won't do it.  I’m not letting you into my head again.”

Maul’s gaze finally shifted to Ezra, who suddenly felt even more like he was pinned in place, unable to move as his heart seemed to double in speed.

"I will give you one chance to do this willingly," Maul said.

"I won't do it," Ezra said again.

“Then I am truly sorry it had to come to this."

Maul reached out a hand toward him and Ezra felt something closing in around his mind, pressure building as it pushed against him, trying to break through.

“No!” Ezra shouted, throwing all of his minimal strength behind the shields in his mind.  But all these days or weeks locked in the cell, beaten, mentally worn down, and kept awake by his own nightmares and Kanan’s screams, had left him too weak to resist for long.  His shields crumpled like paper under Maul’s attack and the icy shadows of Maul’s presence poured into his mind.

Ezra tried to push the shadows away, to seal off parts of his mind, but they flowed through every corner, finding every crack, every secret, every hope and fear.  Ezra felt like he was being wrenched forward as he was drawn into Maul’s mind, pulled in every direction as their two minds became one.

Ezra was standing under the blazing heat of the sun -- no, two suns, he realized as he looked up.  Around him in every direction was an endless expanse of sand, that same harsh, unfamiliar desert he’d seen before.  He wasn’t alone.  There was another figure, too distant to see their face, but drawing closer.  Ezra stepped forward, feeling a tug in his chest like he should know who this person was.  Like he was _meant_ to see their face.

A spark of recognition flashed in Ezra’s mind and he could feel it in Maul’s mind, too.  He knew who this was.  He was much older now, but it was unmistakably the same man.

The connection broke with the abruptness of a string snapping.  Ezra was back in the cell, huddled against the wall, trying to back as far away from Maul as possible.  Tears were stinging in his eyes and he felt like his chest had been ripped open.

“So,” Maul said, more to himself than to Ezra, “Kenobi lives.”

His hand came up under Ezra’s chin, making the boy look up at him as he ran his thumb along Ezra’s cheek, just under his scars.

“That wasn’t so difficult, was it?” he asked.

“Don’t touch me,” Ezra muttered, though he didn’t try to pull away, knowing it wouldn’t do him any good.

“I meant what I said, Ezra,” Maul told him.  “I am sorry.”

“No, you’re not,” Ezra said, his voice breaking.

As Maul turned to leave, Ezra sank to the floor, his arms around his chest.  Master Kenobi was alive, and now Maul was going to kill him, too.  Just as soon as he was done toying with Kanan.  And just like with Kanan, Ezra couldn’t do anything to stop him.


	8. Chapter 8

Hera lay on her stomach, macrobinoculars held to her eyes, with Sabine on her left side and Zeb on her right.  Chopper was on Sabine’s other side, scanning for any approaching ships, speeders, droids, or any other type of tech.  They had been there for nearly two hours now, hidden among the brush, watching, and in spite of their intel, they had seen no physical signs of life.

The place they were scouting had been abandoned at the end of the Clone Wars.  It wasn’t a fully-operational military base, just a small outpost where supplies had been stored, a small number of troopers had been stationed, and rumor had it, a couple of high-level Separatist prisoners had been held.  Hera had called in a favor with an old acquaintance, a smuggler who’d agreed to tell her about anything strange, even as she expressed frustration at Hera’s lack of clarity as to what that meant.  When she’d told Hera about a sudden increase in electrical activity, as if something had been hooked up to a power generator, on a small, deserted moon where she kept a supply cache, Hera had contacted Sabine on Krownest, which was much closer than Atollon, to confirm it.  That had brought the four of them here now, watching the old outpost for any sign that it might be the place they were looking for.

Chopper, to his credit, at least kept the volume of his voice turned down as he told them it didn’t look like there was anyone there.

“There _are_ life forms here,” Sabine said.  “Humanoid ones.  Probably.”

It was the _probably_ that worried Hera.  Sabine had gathered most of her intel on this place using an old captured and reprogrammed Imperial probe droid, knowing that she couldn’t get too close and risk Maul sensing her if he really was there.  But the droid was outdated and damaged and its sensors could have been faulty.

Still, this was the only solid lead they had.  She just wished they had a way to confirm that two of the three lifeforms Sabine’s droid had found really _were_ Kanan and Ezra.  At the moment, Hera would give anything to just be able to feel for them and sense where they were.

“We’ve gotten everything we can from here,” Hera said quietly.  “Fall back to the _Phantom_.”

Sabine and Zeb silently began to crawl backwards until they were fully hidden among the trees.  Hera stayed put for a moment longer, still watching, silently willing any sign of life to appear in her line of sight.  As the moment passed, Chopper turned his head toward her and quietly reminded her of the order she’d just given the others.

“I know,” she said.  She lowered her macrobinoculars and followed the other members of her crew.

Once the four of them were assembled on the _Phantom_ , Chopper projected the image he’d taken of the part of the outpost they’d been able to see from their vantage point.  Under any other circumstances, Hera knew this would be much too risky, but it was the lives of members of their family at stake, and she _would_ get them out.

They couldn’t just storm the place.  For a small outpost, it was highly secure, which only made Hera think the rumors about its real use during the Clone Wars must have been true.  To make things worse, it was mostly underground, with only one entrance unless you were small enough to crawl through the air ducts.  If they just ran in guns blazing, Maul could easily kill all of them, or worse.  If they were going to get Kanan and Ezra back, stealth was going to be key.  So Hera would make sure they took their time in planning and creating contingencies for any scenario they could think of.  They would only get one shot at this.  Finding this place was luck and if they failed, Maul could take Kanan and Ezra to some distant corner of the galaxy and the chances of finding them again would be close to zero.  And that was assuming he wouldn’t just kill them.

Of course, this whole plan was assuming they really were here and hadn’t been killed already.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the cliffhanger-ish ending to the last chapter. this chapter was supposed to be up last night but some other stuff got in the way.
> 
> warning for: references to hypothetical death; references to past child abuse and torture

Ezra had been left mostly alone for what he was fairly certain was two days.  He managed to figure that out because twice now Maul had come into the cell, put a ration bar in Ezra’s hand, and left.  Beyond that, he didn’t say anything to Ezra, didn’t touch him, didn’t bother him at all.  Each time he’d seen Maul, Ezra felt that infuriating pity.  It couldn’t be real.  It had to be something Maul was projecting to him, trying to make Ezra _think_ Maul actually felt sorry for him.  But, Ezra realized, he wasn’t sure if he cared anymore.  He could be angry at the idea that Maul had any sympathy for him.  He _should_ be angry about it.  But he felt like he’d been drained of everything.

That day that Maul had beaten him until he could barely stand and then forced him to stand for hours, that day Maul had told him that he really did think of Ezra as a son and Ezra _knew_ he’d been telling the truth, Ezra felt like something inside him had truly shattered.  Maul forcing his way into Ezra’s mind had only broken the pieces down even further.

As Ezra sat huddled in the corner, his knees against his chest and his arms around them, he stared blankly into the air in front of him.  He was out of options.  He didn’t have it in him to fight anymore and he didn’t want to die like he knew Kanan would.  It would take a long time, but if he kept up his defiance and anger, Maul might eventually decide he was more trouble than he was worth and dispose of him.  Years ago, he’d promised Ezra he would never do that, but that was before Ezra had betrayed him and run away.

Ezra shook his head, furious that he’d let himself think of it that way.  But that didn’t change the fact that he didn’t know what he could do anymore.  He couldn’t escape.  He wasn’t going to be rescued.  Soon enough, Kanan would be dead and he would be truly alone in this.

When he was younger, Maul had beaten him and tortured him and hurt him, but it had never gone this far.  It had never seemed so hopeless.  He’d known a beating would end and his punishment would be over and all would be forgiven once he’d paid for his mistake or disobedience.  He’d known torture was just a lesson, in case he was ever taken prisoner by the Empire or discovered by the Inquisitors, and it would always stop eventually.  There was pain and there was fear, but it was temporary.  Now, there was no end in sight and it just made Ezra all the more scared and confused.

Ezra hugged his knees tighter against his chest, feeling like a heavy weight had dropped onto his shoulders.  He was tired.  He was tired of fighting, tired of running.

It was over now.  Ezra had wanted it to be over, and now it was.  He'd lost this fight and now that he'd accepted it, soon maybe could leave this cell.  Eventually most of the physical reminders of his time inside it would fade.  And then maybe, just maybe, things could go back to being normal again.

* * *

 

Hera kept her eyes locked on Chopper, waiting for his signal.  Sabine had sliced into the security camera over the entrance, looping footage from the previous day just in case it was being monitored, giving Chopper a chance to crack the lock on the doors.  As she watched, the door slid open and Chopper waved one of his manipulators at them.

“Let’s move,” Hera said.  As she started toward the door, Sabine and Zeb fell in behind her.  Each of them had their blasters drawn, ready to fire.  Behind the door was an incline leading down into the main structure, where two corridors diverged ahead of them.  Hera tilted her head to the left, indicating the direction they were heading.

“Sabine,” she whispered.

“Ten seconds,” Sabine said.  “Two security cameras in this hallway.”

The seconds dragged out slowly until Sabine whispered “got it.”

“You stay back,” Hera told her.  “Hold the exit.”

Sabine gave a quick nod and drew her second blaster.  Hera and Zeb moved down the corridor as quickly as they could while still keeping quiet.  The first door they reached, Hera opened it to find an empty cell.  She moved to the next door, opened it, and froze.

“Kanan,” she said quietly.

Kanan’s eyes turned in her direction.  Even in the low light of the cell, Hera could see bruising on his face.

“I’m losing it,” he muttered.  His voice sounded far away and strained, like he could barely speak.

“No,” Hera said.  “It’s me.  It’s really me.  We’re getting you out.”

Kanan didn’t say a word in response and Hera didn’t have time to convince him.

“Zeb, you and Sabine get him back to the _Phantom_ ,” she said.

Zeb entered the cell and lifted Kanan over his shoulder.  Kanan barely even seemed to notice.

“We shouldn’t leave you in here alone,” Zeb said.

“Just go,” Hera told him.  “I’ll find Ezra.  We’ll be right behind you.”

For just a second, Zeb looked like he was about to argue, but thought better of it, turning and heading back the way they’d come.

Hera moved on to the next cell.  As she opened the door, she saw him.  Ezra was huddled in the far corner, his knees pulled up to his chest, his forehead resting on top of them.  As he heard the door open, he slowly looked up, his eyes wide, though they seemed to be staring right through her, as if she wasn’t even there.  He lowered his head again, not acknowledging her presence any further.

“Ezra,” she said quietly as she moved closer to him.  He gave no sign that he’d heard her.  An uneasy feeling filled Hera’s chest as she crept toward him, briefly wondering if this could be a trap somehow.

In spite of her fears, she crouched down in front of him with her back to the door.

“Ezra,” she said again.  When he didn’t respond, she reached out and put a hand on his arm.  His head snapped up as he jerked backward, pushing himself back against the wall.

“No!” he said.  “Get away!”

“Ezra, it’s me,” Hera said, keeping her voice quiet as she glanced back over her shoulder, hoping against hope that wherever Maul was, he was too far away to hear Ezra’s voice.

Ezra put his hands over his ears and shook his head.

“Get away,” he said, his voice quieter this time.

Hera reached out to touch Ezra again, but hesitated as she saw the dark bruise on the hand she’d been reaching for, just poking out from under Ezra’s sleeve.

“Ezra, can you let me see your arm?” she asked.  When Ezra didn’t say anything, she carefully tugged his sleeve down to see the heavy bruise on his wrist.  Ezra whimpered slightly, but didn’t resist.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.  “But it’s okay.  I’m not gonna hurt you.”

She looked back over her shoulder again.  They didn’t have time.  They had to move now.  Maul could show up at any minute and she didn’t want to think about what he would do to Ezra.

“Ezra, please look at me,” she said.  “Please.”

Slowly, much too slowly, Ezra looked up, lowering his hands as he did so.

“You know me, right?” Hera asked.  “You know it’s me?  Really me.”

Ezra nodded.

“I’m taking you home, Ezra,” she said.

Ezra lunged forward, throwing his arms around her.  She could feel him shaking as he began sobbing into her shoulder.

“Shh,” she said, putting her arms around him.  “I know.  I know you’re scared, but right now I need you to be really quiet, okay?  Can you do that?”

The few seconds it took Ezra to process her words dragged on far too long.  For each one that passed, Hera’s fear that Maul would appear increased tenfold.  Finally, she felt Ezra nod and heard his tears quiet.

“Okay,” she said.  “Can you stand on your own?”

Ezra nodded again.

“Good,” Hera said.  “Come on.  It’ll be okay.”

She gently guided Ezra to his feet and led him out of the cell.  He hesitated for a moment before stepping out into the corridor.

“It’s okay,” Hera said.  As Ezra stepped into the hallway, she put an arm around his shoulders to better guide him and keep him on his feet at the same time.

“K--Kanan,” Ezra said, stumbling over his master’s name.

“He’s okay,” Hera said.  “We found him before we found you.  We got him out.  You’ll see him soon.”

Ezra didn’t say another word as Hera led him down the corridor.  Hera kept looking back over her shoulder as she led Ezra toward the exit.  This felt too easy.  As she stepped through the door, she almost couldn’t believe it.  For a moment, she thought she’d wake up and be back on Atollon and all of this would be a dream.  But Ezra was beside her, Kanan was on the _Phantom_ , and they were all going home.

“Come on,” she said.  “We’re almost there.”

* * *

 

Ezra was half in a trance as he followed Hera, still not entirely convinced she was real or that any of this was really happening.  But the farther into the trees Hera led him, the more certain he was.  He felt like something had been wrapped tight around his chest and was slowly loosening its grip.

Hera guided him on to the _Phantom_ and dashed to the front of the ship.  Ezra stood, dazed as the hatch closed behind him.  He stayed where he was until Sabine pulled him into a seat beside her.

“You’re back,” Ezra said, taking in the sight of his friend.  He wondered why the first thing he noticed was that her hair color hadn’t changed since the last time he’d seen her.

“My family needed me,” she said, sliding an arm around his shoulders.

Ezra shut his eyes and leaned his head against Sabine’s shoulder.  She felt so _warm._   He let that soft warmth flow through him and wrap around him, protecting him like a shield.  Tears stung at his eyes as Sabine pulled him into a hug.  It felt more real than anything had since Hera had opened the cell door.  He was going home.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: medical stuff; mentions of broken bones and infected wounds; joint trauma; lots of guilt and self-blame

Hera sat with her head in her hands, both wanting and not wanting to look up at Kanan floating in the bacta tank in front of her.  Neither option was any less painful than the other.

She’d been briefed by the medics on the full extent of Kanan and Ezra’s injuries.  Kanan was severely starved and dehydrated, with multiple broken bones, internal bleeding, and lightaber wounds, some of which were infected.  They’d told her with the injuries he’d suffered, there may be nerve damage and brain damage as well, but they wouldn’t be able to assess it properly until he was conscious.   _If_ he was ever conscious again, which there was no guarantee of.

After hearing their grim prognosis for Kanan, Hera had been expecting something equally horrific for Ezra, and was almost relieved to hear their assessment of him.  Three of his ribs and his right wrist were broken and his right shoulder was partially dislocated.  There were bruises over most of his body.  Some of his scars that had even been treated and were healing.  He had no concussion or internal bleeding, and most telling of all, he was actually conscious and able to talk to the medics and tell them what had happened.  Once his broken bones were taken care of and his shoulder was put back into place, it seemed Ezra’s biggest problem was sheer emotional and physical exhaustion.

As she ran through the medics' report in her head for what felt like the hundredth time, Hera slowly looked up again.  That insistent feeling that this couldn’t be real had faded steadily since they’d left the outpost behind.  Now, staring at Kanan, not knowing if or when he would ever wake up again, it was painfully real.

_You **will** come back to us,_ she thought.  _You have to.  Please.  We need you._

* * *

 

Ezra barely registered the questions he was asked or the answers he gave as the medics examined him.  Whatever they told him to do -- _follow the light with your eyes, try to move your fingers, tell me when this hurts_ \-- he followed their instructions like he was on autopilot.  His only real reaction to anything came in the form of a gasp of pain as one of the medics slid his partially-dislocated shoulder back into place.

Within hours, Ezra was released from the medbay.  He needed rest, they’d said, but his injuries weren’t severe enough that he had to stay.  But even with the all-clear from the medics, Ezra wasn’t ready to leave the medbay just yet.  He found himself hovering a few feet away from where Hera sat, watching Kanan floating in the bacta tank.

“What’s wrong?” Hera asked him without looking away from Kanan.

“Nothing,” Ezra said.  “It’s -- can I stay with you?”

Hera looked back at him, apparently surprised that he thought he had to ask.

“Of course,” she said.  Ezra sat down beside her slowly, and stayed perched on the edge of the seat, anxiety humming in his chest, on some level not sure if he was really welcome.  Hera slid an arm around his shoulders and Ezra jumped, a quiet whimper escaping his throat before he could stop it.

Hera pulled her hand away and Ezra shook his head.

"It's okay," he said.  "I'm okay."

Still, Hera held back, like she was reluctant to touch him again.  Ezra hated it.  It made him feel fragile, like he was about to snap in two at any second.

“He’ll be okay,” she said.

“What if he’s not?” Ezra asked.

“He will be,” Hera said again.  “I -- we have to believe that right now.”

Ezra instinctively knew what she hadn’t said.  That believing Kanan would be okay was all they _could_ do right now.  This was out of their hands.  The medics would do their best, but there was no guarantee, and there was nothing Hera or Ezra could do to save Kanan.

They sat quietly for a while, each of them lost in their own thoughts and fears, until Ezra broke the silence.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered.

“For what?”

Ezra’s eyes flitted up to look at Kanan.  Hera followed his gaze.

“No,” Hera said, turning slightly to face him and hesitantly putting a hand on his uninjured shoulder.  “This was  _not_ your fault, Ezra."

“If I hadn’t joined you guys, this wouldn’t have happened,” Ezra said.  His voice was quiet and his eyes were unfocused as he stared toward Hera, but not at her, not really seeing her.  “I never should have left.”

“Yes, you should have,” Hera told him.  “Maul is a monster and he’s been hurting you since you were a little kid.  He could have _killed_ you.”

“He wouldn’t.”

Ezra felt a flare of anger in Hera’s mind, not at him, but at Maul.  He knew what she must be thinking, that Maul had so thoroughly brainwashed him that he thought Maul cared about him and wouldn’t kill him.  Ezra didn’t bother to argue.  Maybe she was even right.  How would he know?

“This shouldn’t have happened,” Ezra said, more to himself than to Hera.

As he stared up at Kanan, Ezra felt a knot form in his throat.  He didn’t have it in him to cry anymore, as he had on and off during the journey back to Atollon.  He felt like everything in his chest had been scraped out.  The feelings were there, but it was like a glass wall was separating him from them.  He tore his gaze away from Kanan, staring down at the floor.  At least after Malachor, even when Kanan had been heavily sedated, they’d known he would live.

“He loves you so much,” Hera said.  “You know that, right?”

Ezra nodded.  He did know that.  He also knew that he didn’t deserve it.  From the moment he’d walked into Kanan’s life, he’d brought danger with him, not just to Kanan, but to everyone else Kanan loved.

“Maul called me his son,” Ezra said, his voice breaking.

“Oh, Ezra,” Hera said, her voice soft.  She put her arms around him, holding him close.  Part of him hated it, feeling weak as he let her hold him and comfort him.  A much louder part of him didn’t care.  He needed that warm feeling of her embrace, the soft glow of sympathy and love and softness that radiated from her, curling around him.  Right now, he needed it more than air.

“Do you think of him as your father?” she asked.  “If you do, it’s…” she sighed slightly, obviously not pleased with what she was about to say.  “…it’s okay.”

Ezra hesitated, and as he did so, he felt Hera’s arms stiffen slightly as she held him.  A small, cold sliver of anger sliced through her warmth and was quickly pulled back and contained.  But Ezra had already felt it, and he understood.  He was angry, too.  He hated the fact that he actually had to _think_ about the answer to her question.  He hated Maul now more than ever for everything he’d done, but during the five years he’d spent as Maul’s apprentice, the thought _had_ crossed his mind that his former master was the closest thing he’d had left to a father.

“Maybe I did once,” Ezra said quietly, “or…something close to it, I guess.  But not anymore.  Not for a long time.”

“Then he’s not,” Hera told him.  “It’s as simple as that.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

On some level, Ezra wasn’t entirely convinced, but he couldn’t and _wouldn’t_ think about that right now.  Not when he should be thinking about Kanan.

“We’ll get through this,” Hera said, her arms tightening around him.  “We always get through it.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to past child abuse; references to past torture; references to hypothetical character death

Ezra had barely moved from where he sat beside the bacta tank for the past two days.  If Kanan was making any improvement, it was small enough that Ezra couldn’t tell.  Ezra kept looking up at Kanan and quickly looking away again, unable to bear the sight of the scars and bruises covering his body.  Seeing it sent pangs of guilt and fear and grief shooting through his chest.  Kanan could still die.  Ezra had almost gotten his master -- his _father_ \-- killed.  Again.

If he had just realized that the feeling calling him out into the desert was Maul, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place.  If he had just done more to convince Maul to take him and leave Kanan, he would be gone but Kanan would be safe.  If he’d just surrendered sooner, maybe he could have gotten Maul to let Kanan go.  If he had just…there were so many things he could have and should have done differently.  But he hadn’t, and now Kanan was hovering on the verge of death.

Ezra closed his eyes, reaching out across his bond with Kanan.  It was weak and flickering, but it was there, and Ezra clung to it like his life depended on it.

_Kanan?_ he called as his mind brushed against his master’s.  There was no response.  No flash of recognition, no spark of connection, nothing.

_Kanan, please,_ Ezra thought.  _I’m so sorry.  Please don’t let go.  Not yet._

Ezra jumped, his eyes snapping open as he felt someone tap his shoulder.

“Hey,” Sabine said as she sat down heavily beside him.  As he looked up, he saw Zeb standing behind her.

“Hera sent us to check on you,” she said.  “And to take you back to the _Ghost_.  You can eat something, shower, and actually sleep.”

“I’ve been sleeping,” Ezra said.

“Nodding off a few times in a chair in the medbay because you’re too exhausted to keep your eyes open doesn’t count,” Zeb said.

Sabine took Ezra’s left hand and stood up, gently pulling him to his feet.

“Come on,” she said.  “Hera said if you refuse, we can carry you back.  Well, Zeb can.”

“Right,” Ezra said, feeling a small smile tug at the corners of his mouth in spite of everything, “you can’t because I’m bigger than you now.”

“Hey, I can still kick your ass,” Sabine said.  “And I would if you didn’t look half dead.  Now let’s get you home.”

Ezra reluctantly followed her for a few steps before he stopped and nervously looked back over his shoulder at Kanan.  He was suddenly terrified at the idea of Kanan being out of his sight.

“There’s nothing you can do, kid,” Zeb said, his hand coming down on Ezra’s shoulder with an uncharacteristically light touch, like he was afraid Ezra would shatter.  “Kanan’s odds won't get any worse just because you slept for a few hours.”

Ezra nodded as he gave in and let Zeb and Sabine lead him out of the medbay.

* * *

 

Ezra didn’t realize just how much he’d needed to sleep until he woke up.  Every part of his body still ached and he felt like his mind was surrounded by a thick, heavy fog, but he felt just a little less like he was about to fall apart at any second.

In the refresher, Ezra glanced in the mirror and froze as he saw his face.  Bruises covered his skin, some still recent enough that they were dark and heavy, and others already faded to yellow or that sickly purplish-green.  He gingerly ran his fingers along the scar on his face made by Maul’s lightsaber on the day he’d been taken.  It ran from just beneath his eye to halfway down his cheek in a diagonal line, just missing crossing over one of the scars the Inquisitor had given him.  At this point, it was almost indistinguishable from the other two scars on his face.

As he headed toward the galley, Ezra heard low voices he recognized as Sabine and Zeb.  As soon as he entered the room, the conversation stopped.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his gaze jumping between the two of them.

There was a distinct moment of hesitation as Sabine looked at Zeb as if asking him a silent question.

“Is it Kanan?” Ezra asked.

“No,” Sabine said quickly.  “Kanan’s fi--”  She winced at what she’d almost said.  “Nothing’s changed.  It’s just --”

She looked over at Zeb again.

“If we don’t tell him, he’s just gonna let it eat at him until he snaps,” Zeb said.

_Standing right here,_ Ezra thought.

Sabine sighed and looked down at her hands.

“I’m going back to Krownest,” she said.

“Oh.”  That was all Ezra could think of to say.

“I came back for you guys,” Sabine said.  “And now that we’ve got you back, I need to finish what I started.  Or at least make sure they can finish it without me.”

“When are you leaving?” Ezra asked as he sat down at the table beside her.

“Soon,” Sabine said.  “I don’t know exactly when.  Maybe tomorrow.  It’s already been too long.”

As she said it, something clicked in Ezra’s mind.

“I never asked,” he said.  “How long were we gone?”

“Almost a month,” Zeb said.

“That can’t be right,” Ezra muttered.  A month?  Automatically, he began running through events in his head, trying to piece them together into a timeline.  How long had he been unconscious after Maul took them from Atollon?  How many times had he fallen asleep in that cell?  How many of those long, quiet stretches of time that he’d thought lasted hours had really been days?

He couldn’t remember.  He couldn’t figure it out.  His grasp on time had been virtually nonexistent and he could barely place which events had happened before or after each other, let alone how much time had passed between them.

“A month?” he asked.

“Almost,” Zeb said, as if that would offer Ezra any reassurance.

If they’d really been gone for nearly a month, what chance did Kanan have?  How many of those days had he spent being tortured?  Kanan was strong, but no one was that strong, were they?

“Hey,” Sabine said.  Her voice was soft, but Ezra jumped as it yanked him out of his thoughts.  “You’re safe now.”

Ezra absently nodded to acknowledge her words, even though he knew she was wrong.  He wasn’t safe.  He’d never really been safe.  The whole time, he’d just been fooling himself into thinking he was.  Maul was still out there, and he  _would_ try this again.  The only thing Ezra could do was be ready to do anything he could to keep Kanan safe next time.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to hypothetical character death; guilt/self-blame related to a loved one getting hurt; references to past torture; victim minimizing their torture/abuse

“Sorry if I’m not here when you wake up,” Sabine said.  Her hand was pressed against the glass of the bacta tank.  “But I’m coming back as soon as I can.”

She pulled her hand away from the glass and turned to Ezra, who stood beside her, staring blankly up at Kanan’s face.

“Don’t get into any more trouble, okay?” she said.  Ezra felt her dull pang of guilt that immediately followed.

“Was that too soon?” she asked.

“A little,” Ezra said.

“Sorry.”

She pulled him into a gentle hug, and Ezra’s shoulders tensed up for a second before he returned it.

“I missed you,” he said.

“I promise I’m coming back,” Sabine said.

After a moment, Sabine pulled away and stepped back.  She gave him a quick nod before she turned and walked away, moving quickly, like she was afraid of losing her nerve.  As she left, Ezra’s gaze turned back to Kanan, as if his eyes were automatically drawn to his master.  For a moment, he pressed his hand against the glass, just like Sabine had.  He reached out across their bond again, but just like last time, there was no sign that Kanan could sense him.

Ezra sank into the empty chair beside the bacta tank and pulled his knees up against his chest.

“I’m sorry, Kanan,” he said.  “I tried to get him to leave you behind.  I promised I’d stay with him if he let you go, but he wouldn’t listen.”

His voice broke and he quickly brushed away the tears that had begun to sting at his eyes.

“Please don’t go,” he said.  “I promise, I won't let anything like this happen to you again.  Just please come back, Dad.”

“Ezra.”

At the sound of Hera’s voice, Ezra jumped, straightening up, his feet sliding back to the floor.  How much had she heard?  He didn’t think he could handle her pity right now.

“Time for you to go,” Hera said.

“But --”

“Come on,” she said, cutting off his protest.  With one hand on his shoulder, she gently guided him to his feet and led him out of the medbay.

Ezra didn’t try to argue any further and stayed silent as he trudged along beside Hera, back toward the _Ghost_.  When they reached the ship, Hera stopped at the base of the ramp.

“I have a few things I need to take care of,” she said.  “But I’ll be back in a couple of hours.  You get some rest.”

“All I’ve been doing is resting,” Ezra said, crossing his arms and staring down at the sand at his feet.

“You need it,” Hera said, her voice gentle but insistent.  “You were just held and tortured for a month.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Ezra said, the words coming out almost automatically.

“Ezra,” Hera said, her voice carrying just a hint of sternness in it.

“It wasn’t,” Ezra said quietly.  “Not like what Kanan went through.  I got off easy compared to him.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Hera said.  “What happened to you was brutal and you need time to heal.”

“Fine,” Ezra muttered.  He sensed a spike of frustration that Hera quickly tried to hold back, but she said nothing about it.  She seemed to accept his answer, because she gave his shoulder a light squeeze and walked away.

Ezra trudged up the ramp and headed toward his cabin, with no intention of resting.  As the door opened, he reached out, calling his lightsaber to his hand.  It was the first time he’d held the weapon since they day he’d been taken and for a second, it felt awkward and unfamiliar in his hand.

Telling himself he just needed time to get used to it again, he headed back down to the cargo bay.  There, he closed his eyes and ignited the blade, the familiar _hum_ hitting his ears and echoing in his head.  He took a deep, shuddering breath to center himself before he opened his eyes again and began to move through a simple kata he’d first learned when he was just a little kid, when things had been so much simpler.

It was harder than it should have been, Ezra noted, almost detached from the observation.  He was always more of a two-handed fighter, but with his right wrist still healing, he was only using his left hand, which was his weaker side.  Still, he made it through, getting used to the feeling of having a weapon in his hand again.  He wondered why it felt so strange and unfamiliar when he hadn’t even been gone for a whole month.

He pushed himself through more and more complex katas, his movements growing faster, more confident, more aggressive.  He ignored it when he felt the dull ache of fatigue in his limbs much sooner than he should have and his injured ribs made his breath shorter and more painful.  He didn’t want to rest.  Not now.

He sensed someone behind him, sensed someone’s gaze on him like a target on his back.  He gasped and turned around, his lightsaber raised to attack or to defend, he didn’t know which.  He lowered the weapon and switched off the blade when he saw Zeb standing on the ship’s ramp, watching him from a safe distance away.

“Oh,” Ezra said, sitting down on a nearby crate as his weariness suddenly caught up with him.  “It’s you.”

“Yeah,” Zeb said, the word coming out slowly in a concerned tone that made Ezra’s skin crawl.  He didn’t want Zeb worrying about him, too.  Zeb didn’t push when it came to other people’s emotions.  If _he_ was worried and showing it, things were bad.

“Figured you’d be with Kanan,” Zeb said as he stepped off the ramp, crossed to a crate near Ezra’s, and sat down.

“Hera kicked me out of the medbay,” Ezra said, lightly bumping his heels against the side of the crate he sat on.

“Can’t say I blame her,” Zeb said.  “You should be resting.”

“I’m not made of glass,” Ezra snapped.  “He barely hurt me.  I can still --”

“What?  You can still fight?” Zeb asked.  “Kid, you’re not getting put back in the field.  Not for a while yet.”

It was a sobering statement that drained Ezra’s anger from him.  He knew that.  He didn’t want to acknowledge it, but he knew it.  He was too fragile, too damaged, too run-down.  He couldn’t return to active duty yet, and he knew Hera would never let him.

“Has Hera said anything to you about…” Ezra trailed off as he realized he didn’t quite know how to phrase it.  “Never mind,” he said, shaking his head.

“What?” Zeb asked.

“It’s just…is she mad at me?” Ezra asked, his voice quiet and small.

“Why would she be mad at you?”

“I…Kanan --”

“Listen, kid,” Zeb said, “Hera just doesn’t want you spending all your time there with him.  It’s not good for you, seeing him like that.  She doesn’t blame you for this.”

“I lured him out there,” Ezra said.  “Maul wouldn’t have gotten to him if it wasn’t for me.”

“Hera doesn’t blame you,” Zeb said again.  “None of us do.”

Ezra’s shoulders crept up toward his ears like he was trying to shield himself.  He didn’t know why hearing that felt like a punch to the gut, but it did.  And he couldn’t help but question Hera’s motivations, wondering if she was trying to get him used to life without Kanan, just in case.

* * *

 

_Ezra couldn’t move._

_His feet were weighed down and his arms wouldn’t respond to his mental commands.  He was surrounded on all sides by shadows that seemed to be holding him in place, refusing to let him move._

_“Ezra, please!”  Kanan’s agonized cry twisted around in Ezra’s head, reaching every corner of it, scraping and scratching at his mind._

_“Ezra, help me!”_

_“I can’t,” Ezra said.  His voice wouldn’t come out louder than a whisper.  Kanan couldn’t hear him.  All Kanan knew was that Ezra wasn’t going to save him._

_Kanan screamed, the sound echoing around Ezra from all sides.  He tried to put his hands over his ears but he couldn’t move.  There was a_ snap-hiss _of a lightsaber activating, its red glow burning through the shadows around him.  It cut through the air with a_ hum _.  A cry of pain hit Ezra’s ears, but it was quickly cut off._

_Kanan was suddenly at Ezra’s feet, lying motionless in front of him, a burning wound in the center of his chest._

_“No!” Ezra cried.  “Kanan!”_

_He tried to reach out toward his master, but he **still couldn’t move**.  He could only stand there, staring down at Kanan’s lifeless body._

_“It’s over, Ezra.”_

_Ezra couldn’t see Maul, but his voice came through the shadows around him, twisting through them, threading through Ezra’s mind._

_“No,” Ezra muttered._

_“There is no other path left for you.”_

_“No!”_

* * *

 

"Kid!”

Someone’s hand was on Ezra’s shoulder, shaking him.  Ezra shoved the hand away with a shout, sitting up and shoving himself back against the wall, away from whoever had woken him up, ignoring the sharp burst of pain in his chest as his back hit the wall.

As his mind cleared, he saw Zeb standing beside his bunk, peering over the edge at him.

“’m sorry,” Ezra muttered as his heartbeat slowly returned to normal.

“Kid, I don’t mind,” Zeb said.

Ezra folded his arms over his chest, hugging himself and digging his nails into the skin on his arms.  Zeb’s sympathy _hurt_ so much and he didn’t understand why.

“I don’t know why this is happening,” Ezra muttered, more to himself than to Zeb.  He wasn’t even sure what he was referring to.  The nightmares, the anger, the pain in his chest every time someone seemed like they felt sorry for him, Maul hurting him in the first place...

“Maybe because you were locked up and tortured for a month,” Zeb said, assuming -- maybe even correctly, Ezra didn’t know -- what Ezra was talking about.

“Ezra, I know it’s not easy to talk about these things,” Zeb said, “but if you ever want to --”

Ezra drew his knees up to his chest and Zeb stopped talking as if Ezra had cut him off.  Ezra hugged his knees closer to him, feeling like pressure was building up inside him.  If he wanted to talk to anyone about what had happened, it was Kanan, but he couldn’t do that, and he might not ever be able to do that.  He didn’t even know if he really wanted to talk at all.  Everything that had happened to him in that cell, every moment of fear and pain and hopelessness, clawed at him from the inside, like it was trying to rip its way out of his chest.  But everyone’s pity and concern and constant attempts to take care of him already hurt enough, like his skin was being torn piece by piece from his body.  Telling them what had actually happened would only make it worse.

“You don’t have to,” Zeb said.

“I don’t know if I can,” Ezra said.

“Then don’t,” Zeb said.  “And if anyone tries to make you, I’ll deal with them.”

Ezra let out a short, shuddering breath that maybe even could have been a laugh in any other situation.  The pressure in his chest eased just a bit.  Zeb wasn’t going to make him talk.  Zeb was still being Zeb, still letting things be without forcing them.  He was treating Ezra a little differently, but not by much.  Ezra clung to that thought even though he knew it would slip away the second he sensed pity or worry from his friend again.

“You were only asleep for an hour,” Zeb told him.  “You should really try for a few more.”

Ezra nodded.  As Zeb slid back down to his own bunk, Ezra lay down again, but didn’t close his eyes.  He just stared up at the ceiling above him, shivering even as he tucked the blanket around him.  The words came out before he even realized he was speaking.

“He --”  Ezra’s voice cracked and he clamped a hand down over his mouth for a second as he tried to will himself not to start crying.  He was so tired of crying.  “He made me watch.  He made me watch while he tortured Kanan.”

Zeb was silent and Ezra wondered if his friend had somehow fallen asleep in those few seconds before he’d said anything.  When Zeb finally spoke, his voice was flat, but Ezra could feel his anger pulsing in the air around him.

“He ever comes back here again, I’ll kill him.”

“No,” Ezra said, his voice breaking again.  “He’s mine.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to broken bones; references to past torture and child abuse

Ezra sat up in bed with a datapad in his hands.  A book Sabine had told him to read was open on the screen, but he just stared at it blankly, his eyes unfocused.  It had been eight days now since he’d been brought back to Atollon, and today he’d decided to give in to Hera and Zeb’s repeated orders for him to get some rest.  Even Chopper had threatened to stun him if he saw Ezra training today, before quietly offering to acquire some sleeping pills from the medbay for him.  He didn’t understand why they were still so insistent.  A week was more than long enough, wasn’t it?  Even if he’d spent the first few days of it not resting.

He didn’t even understand the point of it, really.  He wasn’t sick.  Sure, he was injured, but he’d had much worse than a few broken ribs and a broken wrist.  If he _was_ sick, at least a fever would mean he’d sleep for most of the day instead of sitting here getting more and more anxious by the second.

He didn’t have time to sit around and wait for his body to heal completely.  Maul could come after him and Kanan again at any time and he had to be ready.  Maul knew where the base was, and for all Ezra knew, he was on his way to Atollon again.  For all Ezra knew, he was _already_ on Atollon again, waiting for the right moment to strike.

The thought made a tight knot form in Ezra’s stomach and his breath suddenly hitched in his throat.  He rested his hand on his lightsaber, which he kept by his side even now, and cast out his mental net, feeling for anyone nearby.  He didn’t want to call for Zeb or Hera to see if they were still on the ship.  He wasn’t a little kid anymore and he certainly didn’t want them to see him as one, checking to see if they were around because he was scared.

The ship was empty apart from him, and maybe Chopper, who Ezra couldn’t sense in the Force.  There was no one else near it, either, aside from the occasional brief mental contact Ezra felt from other rebels walking past the ship and going about their business.  Ezra pushed the boundaries of his mind out even further.  Nowhere could he sense Maul’s dark, cold presence.  That didn’t mean he wasn’t on the planet.  Ezra didn’t have that far a reach.  But he wasn’t close, and he wasn’t trying to reach Ezra.  Not yet anyway.

Ezra pulled back into himself and shook his head, telling himself he was being paranoid.  He immediately dismissed that thought.  Maul coming after him again was a very real possibility; too real, and writing it off as paranoia wouldn’t do anyone any good.

Ezra was wrenched out of his thoughts as his commlink flashed, signaling an incoming transmission.  As he switched it on, Hera’s frantic voice came through.

_“Ezra,”_ she said.  _“Get to the medbay.”_

Ezra leapt from his bunk, already out the door before he realized he hadn’t even noticed if Hera had said another word after that.

He raced through the ship and down the ramp.  His breath came in short, sharp gasps as he ran toward the medbay, dodging past anyone who got in his way.  His head was filled with nothing but fog and static and panic as he imagined all the reasons Hera could have called him to the medbay after trying so hard to keep him away from it as much as possible.

_Please don’t be dead,_ he thought.  _Please, **please** don’t be dead._

When he reached the medbay, he stumbled to a halt, his eyes wide as he caught his breath.  Kanan was sitting up on a cot, with Hera beside him.  Ezra could only stare as he processed what he saw.  Kanan was alive.  Kanan was _awake_.

“Ezra?” Kanan said, his mind brushing up against Ezra’s.

Ezra suddenly remembered how to move and rushed to Kanan’s side.  Kanan reached out and grabbed Ezra’s hand, holding it tight in his.

“Are you hurt?” Kanan asked.

“No,” Ezra said.

“Yes, he is,” Hera said, clearly unimpressed by Ezra’s attempt to lie.

“It’s not that bad,” Ezra said.  “I’m okay.  Really.”

Ezra felt Kanan tense up as his fingers brushed against the splint on Ezra’s wrist.

“What’s this?” Kanan asked.

“It’s nothing,” Ezra said, but he could tell right away that Kanan didn’t believe him.

“He broke my wrist,” Ezra said, “but I’m fine, really.  That was the worst of it.”

He wasn’t going to tell Kanan about Maul forcing his way into his mind.  Not yet.  Not in front of Hera.  Maybe not ever.

“Ezra, I’m so sorry,” Kanan said.

“No,” Ezra said, shaking his head.  “I --”

Hera cut him off with a hand on his shoulder.

“We should let the medics examine him,” she said.

“They didn’t already?” Ezra asked.

“He had to see you,” Hera said.  “But they do need to check him out.”

Ezra nodded and released Kanan’s hand and let Hera lead him away.

“You can wait here,” she said, sliding an arm around his shoulders.  “You’ll see him as soon as the medics are done with him.”

Ezra just nodded again.  He didn’t know what to say in response, and he didn’t think he’d be able to say anything, anyway.  Kanan was awake and he was going to live, but there could still be something wrong, and since Maul had kept them separated, Ezra couldn’t even help the medics by telling them what had happened to Kanan.

He didn’t know how long he waited where Hera had left him, just that every second he stayed there hurt more than the last.  But he couldn’t leave.  Not now.  He needed to see Kanan again.  He needed to know, for sure, that Kanan was going to be okay.

When Hera came back, she looked tired, but she was smiling.  Ezra jumped up from where he sat and followed her, his hands fluttering nervously at his sides as he repeated the words _He’s going to be okay_ over and over to himself in his head.

* * *

 

Kanan could feel Hera and Ezra approaching before he heard their footsteps.  Hera had grown calmer since he’d woken up, her presence in the Force slowly returning to its normal steady and rock-solid state.  Ezra’s anxiety crackled through and around him like electricity, even as he tried to rein it in and hold it inside.

He heard footsteps abruptly stop nearby and he could feel Ezra’s eyes on him.  He had no idea how he must look to his padawan, but he could feel that spike of fear as for just a moment, Ezra wondered if he would really be okay.

“Stay as long as you need to,” Hera said.

As her footsteps faded into the distance, Ezra’s drew closer as he hesitantly approached Kanan and sat down in a chair beside the bed Kanan had been ordered not to leave.

“Ezra,” Kanan said, “are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  His voice was barely above a whisper and Kanan wasn’t convinced.  Ezra sighed and Kanan could practically see his shoulders drooping as he lost the energy to keep up the lie.

“No,” Ezra said.

Kanan could feel how tired he was, like he’d been carrying something heavy on his back for miles and still couldn’t put it down.  Ezra’s constant low level of fear that had been there since the day they’d met had grown so much it was practically consuming him.

“It’s okay if you’re not,” Kanan said.

“I just -- I’m so sorry, Kanan,” Ezra said.  “This shouldn’t have happened.  He could’ve -- he almost --”

“This wasn’t your fault,” Kanan said.  “And I’m going to be okay.”

“Did they say what --”

“What’s wrong with me?” Kanan finished when Ezra trailed off, unsure of how to finish the question.

“They said there might be brain damage,” Ezra said.  “Or nerve damage.”

Kanan sighed.  He didn’t want to give Ezra something else to feel guilty about.  But he knew that if he tried to avoid it, it would only make Ezra worry that he was hiding something horrible, or that he blamed Ezra for it.

“It’ll take them a few days to assess it fully,” Kanan said, choosing his words carefully.  “I’ve lost some feeling in a few places, and some of my fine motor control.  But that could be from breaks and sprains, so I might be able to get it back.”

He heard Ezra draw in a long, shuddering breath and he could easily picture the kid hugging his arms around himself, rocking where he sat.  Kanan pushed on, determined to get this over with so Ezra could hear what he wanted to hear and have it be over with.

“My short-term memory comes and goes,” he said, “and I’m having trouble navigating my surroundings, but I don’t know how much of that is permanent brain damage and how much is just that I was gone so long and the medbay was never that familiar to me in the first place.”

“It was almost a month,” Ezra said, his voice quiet.  “Then they rescued us eight days ago.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  Hera had told him not long after he’d woken up.

“Is that all?” Ezra asked.  Kanan could hear just the faintest tremor in his voice.  Anyone who didn’t know him as well as Kanan did might not have noticed it.

“That’s --” Kanan gave another small sigh.  “That’s the worst of it.  The bruises and broken bones will heal.”

Kanan heard a quiet, muffled sound and he didn’t need to see Ezra’s face to know the kid was fighting back tears.

“Kanan,” Ezra said, his voice still shaking with that slight tremor, “I know that we’re Jedi and we’re supposed to be able to let go, but I -- I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Ezra,” Kanan said, “you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.  You would do just fine without me.”

“I know you want to believe that,” Ezra said, “but I don’t think it’s true.  I don’t think I could do this on my own.”

“Listen to me,” Kanan said, “no matter what happens to me, you will never be on your own again.  I’ll always be with you, and the others would be there for you if anything happened to me.”

Kanan heard that muffled sound again as Ezra tried to stop himself from crying, trying to be tough, not wanting to reach out for comfort unless it was offered, no matter how much he needed it.

“Come here,” Kanan said, carefully moving to the side.  Ezra didn’t need any further prompting.  He climbed up onto the bed and pressed himself against Kanan’s side.  Ezra buried his face in Kanan’s shoulder, clinging to him like a drowning being clings to a piece of driftwood in some desperate attempt to stay afloat.  His tears started to flow freely, with Ezra making no effort to hold them back anymore.

“It’s okay,” Kanan whispered as he ran his hand through Ezra’s hair.  “We’re safe now.”

“Kanan,” Ezra said, choking on his tears.  “I -- I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kanan said.

“You could’ve died,” Ezra said, his arms tightening around Kanan.

“I’m right here,” Kanan said.  “I’ll be okay.”

Ezra shook as his entire body was wracked with a heavy sob.  Kanan just held him, not needing to say a word as he gently stroked his padawan’s hair, trying to soothe him even though it barely seemed to be working.

Together, he and Ezra had been through so many trials and victories and failures.  They had worked their way through fears and insecurities and too many rough patches to count.  Kanan had felt his heart bursting with pride as he’d watched Ezra grow and change and fall into his place in their family.  But through all of it, Kanan had never felt as much like a father as he did in that moment, as he held his crying, shaking, by all definitions _broken_ son in his arms.

* * *

 

By the time Hera returned, Ezra had fallen asleep in Kanan’s arms, curled up against his side.  It was like something tightly coiled inside him had been slowly, painfully unwound as he cried, until his exhaustion overtook him and he finally felt _just_ safe enough to let it.

“Ezra,” Hera whispered.  Kanan could feel the heat of her hand as she reached out toward them.

“Don’t,” he whispered.  “Let him sleep.  He needs it.”

“Haven’t seen him this peaceful since…” Hera sighed “…a while.”

As if she’d jinxed it by saying something, Kanan felt Ezra’s hands twitch as a small, scared noise escaped his throat.

“I’m here,” Kanan said softly.  “I’ve got you.”

After a moment, Ezra seemed to relax, his breath evening out as he settled in Kanan’s arms again.  Kanan reached out, letting his mind wrap around Ezra’s like a blanket around his shoulders, shielding him and doing what he could to drive back the darkness, at least for now.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to past torture

_“Ezra!”_

_“Kanan?!” Ezra called.  “Where are you?!”_

_It was dark.  Ezra could barely see two feet in front of him as he ran.  He didn’t know where he was going, and he kept finding himself facing walls and sharp turns and ledges over nothing that he almost didn’t see until it was too late._

_“Ezra, I’m here!” Kanan called.  “Just follow my voice!”_

_But Kanan’s voice was coming from everywhere around him.  There was no way to follow it.  Ezra’s breath came in short, sharp gasps as panic surged up in his chest.  He would never find Kanan._

_“Ezra!”_

_“Kanan?  Dad, where are you?!”_

_“Ezra!”  Kanan’s voice sounded different.  Something about it was changing, twisting, until…_

_“Ezra.”_

_The voice came from directly behind him, but it wasn’t Kanan.  Maul’s hand came down on Ezra’s shoulder, gripping it tightly._

_“Come back to me, son.”_

_“No!”_

* * *

 

“Hera said they might let you come home soon,” Ezra said.

“You make it sound like I’m in a medcenter on another planet,” Kanan said.  He smiled but it seemed forced.

“You might as well be,” Ezra said.  He’d barely left the medbay in the days since Kanan had woken up, but every second he spent away from his master was agony, as if he was afraid he’d go back to the medbay and find that all of this had been a dream and Kanan was still in the bacta tank, no closer to consciousness than he had been the day they’d been rescued.

“She’s right,” Kanan said.  “It won't be long.”

They sat quietly for a moment before Kanan spoke again, hesitantly as if he wasn’t sure how to bring this up.

“She told me you’ve been having nightmares.”

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  “Almost every night now.”

He could have tried to shrug it off, to say that they were just dreams and they’d stop soon enough.  But he knew there was no point.  Kanan would see right through it and Ezra barely had the willpower to lie to him right now.

“Sometimes I wonder if it’s him, trying to get inside my head,” Ezra said.  “But it could just be…”

He trailed off, realizing he didn’t know what he wanted to say.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kanan asked.

“I don’t know,” Ezra said.  He could feel everything inside his head screaming to get out, but the thought of saying any of it was like standing on a ledge over an endless void, staring down into it and knowing he was about to jump or be pushed.

“It doesn’t have to be with me,” Kanan said, “but just saying it out loud might help.  It doesn’t even need to be to a person.”

“No,” Ezra said.  “If I’m going to talk to someone, I want it to be you, it’s just -- it’s really hard.”

“I know.”

“And I can’t -- I don’t want to talk about it now,” Ezra said.  “Not here.”

The medbay felt too exposed, too open, and he didn’t understand why.  It wasn’t like the medics who might overhear didn’t know at least the general idea of what had happened to him.

“That’s fine,” Kanan said.  “You shouldn’t talk until you’re ready.”

Ezra stared down at the ground, absently scuffing his toes across the floor.

“I told Zeb that he --” Ezra felt a lump forming in his throat and forced himself to keep talking.  “That he made me watch while he --”

“Ezra, I am so sorry you saw that,” Kanan said, his voice breaking.

“It’s not like it was your fault,” Ezra said.  “You couldn’t have stopped him.”

“Neither could you,” Kanan said.

Ezra’s shoulders crept up defensively as if Kanan had shouted at him.

“Ezra,” Kanan said, more insistently, “you couldn’t have done anything to stop it.  If you’d tried to resist, he would have dragged you in there anyway.  He was never going to let me go, no matter what you did or said.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Ezra said.  “Do you think it’s not killing me knowing that there was nothing I could do to save you?  He told me --”

Ezra’s voice broke off.

“I don’t want to talk about this here!” he cried, burying his face in his hands.  “Can't this please just wait until you come home?”

“Of course it can,” Kanan said.  “It can wait as long as you need it to.”

“I’m sorry,” Ezra said, the words jumping from his throat before he could fully think them through.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Kanan said.

Ezra flinched violently as he said it.  He’d thought that it was just people feeling sorry for him that made him feel like his chest was being ripped open.  Why was Kanan just being kind to him and acting like himself making him feel the same way?

“Maybe I should go,” Ezra said.  Kanan was still recovering.  He didn’t need this right now.

“You don’t have to,” Kanan said.  “We don’t need to talk if you’re not ready.”

Ezra shook his head.  He knew Kanan couldn't see him, but he didn’t know what he would even say if he _could_ speak.  He gasped and froze as he felt a hand on his arm.  He lowered his hands to see Kanan, clearly needing to put effort into it as he leaned forward and rested his hand on Ezra’s forearm.

“Do you want to leave?” Kanan asked.  “Once for yes, twice for no.”

Ezra pulled his arm away from Kanan until their hands were touching.  He only hesitated for a second before squeezing Kanan’s hand twice.

“Then don’t,” Kanan said.  “We don’t have to talk about it, or anything else.”

Ezra’s hand tightened around Kanan’s in a wordless acknowledgement of what he’d said.  The fact that Kanan was being so understanding was twisting him up inside.  No matter what Kanan said, Ezra knew what had happened was because of him, but Kanan was still trying to comfort _him_ and make _him_ feel better even though he was just barely beginning to recover.

“Do you want a hug?” Kanan asked.

The question was like a punch to the gut.  Ezra wanted to say yes, but he hated himself for it.  Kanan shouldn’t be worrying about him right now.

Slowly, Ezra squeezed Kanan’s hand once.  He slid off the chair and onto the edge of the bed.  Kanan wrapped his arms around Ezra, pulling him against his chest and holding him close.

“It’s okay,” Kanan said softly.  “It can wait.  We have time.”

As Ezra clung to Kanan, everything was twisted and jumbled around in his head so badly he could barely string a single thought together.  All he knew was that this _hurt_ and he barely understood it.  Even the feeling of Kanan’s arms around him wasn’t enough to drive back the fear that tore away at the edges of his mind as one solid, coherent thought clawed its way to the surface.  Maul was still out there.  He would be coming for Ezra.  They might not have time.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: implied character death in dream; references to past torture and child abuse

_Kanan’s screams echoed around Ezra from all sides, closing in on him._

_“All of this is your fault, Ezra.”_

_That voice was Kanan’s, too, and it came from directly behind him.  Ezra quickly turned around to find himself facing the same dark, empty nothingness that surrounded him._

_“Say it.”_

_Kanan’s voice came from behind Ezra again, but as Ezra looked back, there was still nothing._

_“Say it, Ezra!”_

_“No!” Ezra shouted, putting his hands over his ears and closing his eyes, as if that would help block out the sound of Kanan’s screams and his words that sank into Ezra like an animal’s claws._

_“He deserves this.”_

_It was Maul’s voice now, directly in front of him.  Ezra gasped, his eyes snapping open as a hand came up under his chin, forcing him to look up as Maul towered over him._

_“No,” Ezra said.  He started to back away, but Maul’s hand closed around his wrist._

_“He made you weak.”_

_“No!” Ezra said again.  “Please, let him go.  I’ll be good, I promise!”_

_Maul forced Ezra to turn around, one hand closing tightly around the back of Ezra’s neck.  As Ezra looked down, he saw Kanan lying at his feet, gasping for air as if every breath was a struggle._

_Ezra felt something being pressed into his hand.  His lightsaber._

_“You’ve earned this,” Maul said._

_“No.”_

_“Ezra,” Kanan gasped, his voice weak.  “Ezra, please.  Don’t.”_

_“Kill him, apprentice.”_

_“I can't do this,” Ezra said as he looked back up at Maul.  “Just let him go.”_

_Ezra’s heart skipped a beat and he felt like something inside him was being crushed as Maul’s expression shifted to one of disappointment.  He pushed Ezra aside, igniting the twin blades of his own lightsaber._

_“No!”_

* * *

 

Ezra quickly clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle the strangled, wordless cry that escaped him.  He lay perfectly still for a moment, breathing heavily as he tried to bring himself back under control and drive the nightmare out of his mind.  He could still feel Maul’s hand on the back of his neck, still hear Kanan’s screams and his quiet, terrified plea for mercy ringing in his ears.

When he finally felt safe enough to move, Ezra sat up, dropped to the floor, and left the room as quietly as he could.  He made his way to the galley and quickly went through the motions of heating up a cup of caf, moving as silently as he could.  He wasn’t going to fall asleep again tonight if he could help it.

“A little late to be drinking that, isn’t it?”

Ezra jumped at the sound of Kanan’s voice.  He turned around to see his master standing in the doorway, one hand braced against it to support himself.

“Sorry,” Kanan said as he realized he’d startled Ezra.

“Shouldn’t you be resting?” Ezra said.  Kanan had been released from the medbay earlier that day, but he was far from actually having recovered from his injuries.

“Shouldn’t you?” Kanan asked.

“I can't,” Ezra said as he sank into a seat at the table, clutching the cup in his hands and staring into it.  He suddenly felt like his throat was closing up and the idea of actually drinking the caf now seemed impossible.

“Nightmares again?” Kanan asked, crossing the room and sitting down beside him.

“Yeah,” Ezra muttered.  Then it hit him.  “Why are you awake?”

“The same thing,” Kanan said.

_This is your fault._

Ezra shook his head as if to fling the thought from his mind, but he just couldn’t pry it loose.

“Do you -- do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

“I don’t want to put that on you,” Kanan said.

“I put it on you all the time,” Ezra said.

“I know,” Kanan said.  “But you’re my s-- my padawan.  It’s my job to take care of you.”

“You can call me your --” that tight feeling in Ezra’s throat only got worse before the word came out.

“I’m not gonna lose it if you call me your son,” Ezra said.

“I just thought --”

“Hera told you?” Ezra asked.  “That he called me his --”

“She didn’t have to,” Kanan said.  “He said it to me, too.  He told me…”

Kanan shook his head.

“If you need to say it, you can,” Ezra said.  “I can handle it.”

“He told me you were more his son than mine,” Kanan said.

Ezra made a quiet sound in the back of his throat that might even have been a laugh, but he was too tired and too drained to know for sure.

“But you know that’s not true, right?” Kanan said.

Ezra said nothing, still intently staring downward, not looking at Kanan.  He knew what Kanan meant.  He knew what Kanan was trying to do.  But there was always going to be that small part of him that wondered how true it was.  Maybe he didn’t think of Maul as his father, but Maul had still taken him in, trained him, and shaped so much of his life.  It didn’t feel as simple as Hera and Kanan made it sound, no matter how much Ezra wanted it to be.

“Ezra, it’s not true,” Kanan said.

“I know,” Ezra said quietly.  He was surprised to realize that for all his conflicting thoughts, he was absolutely confident in the words.  “You’ve always been more of a father to me than he ever was.”

As he said it, Ezra felt a deep, piercing pain in his chest.  He didn’t _want_ to be sitting here in the middle of the night with his head a conflicting storm of emotions about who was or wasn’t a father to him.  He didn’t _want_ to be torn apart by guilt that he’d nearly gotten the man he thought of as his father killed for what felt like the hundredth time.  He wanted his _real_ mom and dad.  If they’d never been taken from him, none of this would have happened.

Ezra’s hands shook as the powerful wave of emotion crashed over him.  He didn’t know how long it had been since he’d felt that longing for his parents so strongly.  Even when he’d had that vision on Garel, he’d felt more fear than anything else.  Fear that they’d hate what he’d become, even fear that he’d lose Kanan if his parents were back in his life.  And now, even thinking about it, he just felt even more guilty.  Kanan was here, trying to comfort him, trying to help him, and all Ezra wanted was two people he knew he would never see again.  But if he'd never lost them, everything would have been different.  He wouldn't be here now and Kanan would never have been in danger from Maul.

“Kanan,” he said, trying to push the small tremor out of his voice.  “I’m sorry.  You -- you deserved a better son than me.”

“Ezra, I never thought I would have kids,” Kanan said.  “But you are everything I could have hoped for.  None of what’s happened is your fault, and I’ll keep saying that as long as you need to keep hearing it.”

Ezra’s shoulders crept up defensively.  It didn’t matter what Kanan said.  It didn’t matter what he consciously knew to be true.  He didn’t think he would ever be able to rid himself of the absolute certainty that everything Maul had put their family through was his fault.

“I promise,” Kanan said, shifting slightly so he was facing Ezra more directly.  “I’ve never blamed you for any of this and I never will.  And I couldn’t ask for a better son.”

As he said it, he gently rested his hand on Ezra’s cheek.  Ezra realized too late that he hadn’t told Kanan…

Kanan’s hand stiffened and his expression shifted to one of concern as he carefully ran his fingers across the scar Maul had given Ezra.  He was moving slowly, his hand shaking slightly, and Ezra was about to tell Kanan he didn’t have to worry about hurting him before he remembered what Kanan had said about his motor control.  Kanan’s touch shifted downwards for a second, feeling for the scars he’d gotten from the Inquisitor, as if to make sure this one really _was_ new.

“Did Maul do this to you?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Ezra said.

“Are there any others?” Kanan asked.

“A few.”

“Ezra, I’m sorry,” Kanan said as he pulled his hand away.  “This shouldn’t have happened to you.  None of it.”

He put an arm around Ezra’s shoulders and Ezra leaned into it, not wanting or needing to say anything.

“I know the nightmares are…” Kanan trailed off, like he wasn’t sure of exactly what to say.  “But you should try to sleep.  You’re still…”

“I can’t,” Ezra said.  “Every time I close my eyes, it gets worse.”

“You want to stay with me tonight?” Kanan asked.  “If anything happens, I’ll be there.”

Ezra felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment as he realized he wanted to say yes.  He was seventeen.  Shouldn’t he be long past the point of needing to stay in his parent’s room by now?  He hadn’t felt the need to do that since he was a little kid, not until he’d joined the crew.

_He made you weak._

Ezra clenched his jaw, trying to shove that thought away.

“Can I?” Ezra asked.

“Of course,” Kanan said.  “Whenever you need to.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: discussion of past torture and child abuse; self-blame and self-loathing related to trauma

_Ezra fell to the ground, barely to keep himself upright as the restraints were released.  He was shaking as he slowly sat up and looked down at the bruises around his wrists.  He clenched his jaw tightly as he felt a lump forming in his throat.  He wouldn’t cry.  It was over.  He’d passed the test.  He wouldn’t cry about it.  His master would be so disappointed if he did._

_Ezra jumped, a strangled yelp escaping him, as a hand touched his shoulder._

_“You did well,” Maul said._

_Ezra’s only response was a soft, pained sound in the back of his throat.  He could barely process what his master had said.  His mind was a tangle of fear and pain left from Maul trying to tear through his shields.  He hadn’t gotten through this time.  Ezra had held him back, but now his head felt like it was about to split open and his whole body ached from everything Maul had done to try to weaken him and draw his focus away from his shields._

_Maul’s hand closed around Ezra’s arm, guiding him to his feet gently rather than just pulling him off the ground, and put his other hand on Ezra’s shoulder to steady him._

_“The pain will pass, Ezra,” Maul said.  “And one day, this might save your life.”_

* * *

 

Ezra didn’t wake up screaming or gasping for breath this time, but he could feel tears sliding across his skin.  He rolled onto his side and curled up into a tight ball, moving slowly so he wouldn’t wake Kanan.  After three nights in a row where Ezra had ended up either hiding in some other part of the ship, trying to avoid sleep, or knocking on Kanan’s door, Ezra had begun just sleeping in Kanan’s room.  No one had said anything about it, not even Chopper, who Ezra almost wished would make fun of him for it.  At least that would have been normal Chopper behavior.

Even knowing Kanan would comfort him and let him talk about the dream -- _the memory,_ a small voice in Ezra’s head reminded him, _it really happened_ \-- and wouldn’t judge him for it, Ezra was reluctant to wake him.  He didn’t know what he was trying to prove.  The whole reason for him staying in Kanan’s room had been because of his nightmares.  Just being near Kanan helped calm them a little, and Kanan knew that, but still Ezra felt like he had to at least _try_ to tough it out alone.  So he clasped his hand over his mouth, trying to cry as quietly as possible.

“Ezra?”

“Did I wake you up?” Ezra asked.

“No,” Kanan said.  He didn’t elaborate, but Ezra knew Kanan’s own nightmares were probably the reason he was awake.  “Are you okay?”

“I will be,” Ezra said.  “I think.”

“I’m here if you need me,” Kanan said.

Ezra curled in tighter on himself.  The dream wasn’t that bad.  He didn’t need to bother Kanan with it.  He didn’t…

In spite of what he was thinking, Ezra found himself climbing down from the top bunk.  Kanan was already sitting up, leaning against the wall, leaving room for Ezra beside him.  Ezra sat down next to him and leaned against his side as Kanan put an arm around his shoulders.

“You want to talk about it?” Kanan asked.  Words Ezra had heard from him so often these days that he almost hated hearing them for some unfathomable reason.

“It was just something that happened a long time ago,” Ezra said.  “When I was…” he had to stop and think for a moment “…ten, I think.”

Kanan’s arm tightened around Ezra’s shoulders, a silent invitation to either keep talking or just leave it at that, with no expectation of either.

“I told you before that he taught me how to resist…” Ezra trailed off as he shrank closer against Kanan’s side.

“Torture,” Kanan said.

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  “Not that it did me much good.  I didn’t resist when the Inquisitors had us, and I didn’t resist this time, either.”

“What do you mean?” Kanan asked.

“I --” Ezra’s voice broke off and he pulled himself away from Kanan, huddling in the corner and pulling his knees up to his chest.  He didn’t want Kanan holding him, comforting him, trying to make his fear and guilt go away.  He didn’t deserve it.  He didn’t deserve any of Kanan’s understanding, and it was time for him to admit it.

“I gave up,” he said quietly.  “I was ready to just give in and -- and be his apprentice again.  I was tired of fighting it.”

His words picked up speed as they tumbled from his mouth.  He wouldn’t have been able to stop them if he wanted to, and he wasn’t sure that he did.

“I know I should’ve been able to hold out, but everything he did just wore me down and I was alone and scared and I just wanted things to go back to normal, like they used to be when I was a kid.”

“Ezra,” Kanan said softly.  “What did he do to you?”

Ezra hugged his knees tighter against his chest.  Kanan should be furious.  Ezra had just admitted to being prepared to give Maul exactly what he wanted, all because he wasn’t strong enough to keep fighting back.

“You can tell me,” Kanan said.

Ezra desperately wanted to tell Kanan everything.  Carrying all of it by himself, he felt like he was being ripped apart.

“I don’t understand why I feel like this,” he said.  “He hurt me.  It’s not like he’s never done that before.  And I knew he wouldn’t kill me, but I gave in anyway.  Everything just felt so hopeless.”

“I know,” Kanan said.

Ezra felt a knot forming in his stomach.  Of course Kanan knew.  He was there.  And he hadn’t given up, even when he knew Maul had been planning to kill him.

“He told me that you tried to escape,” Ezra said.  “And that you were -- that you were going to leave me behind.”

“That’s not true,” Kanan said.  “I swear, it’s not.  I was looking for you.  That’s why --”

He stopped talking abruptly, but Ezra could feel the words he hadn’t said hanging in the air between them.  _That’s why I didn’t make it._

“I’d never do that to you,” Kanan said.

“It was my fault,” Ezra said, more to himself than to Kanan.  “Why wouldn’t you leave me?”

_This is your fault, Ezra.  Say it._

As the words echoed in his head, Ezra felt a dull ache in his chest where his broken ribs had healed, like his body itself was trying to remind him of Maul towering over him, forcing him to admit that all of it was his fault.

“Ezra --”

“Don’t,” Ezra said, flinching as he felt Kanan’s hand on his arm.  Maul’s warnings that Kanan had used and manipulated him echoed in his head, relentless and insistent, even as he tried to tell himself it wasn’t true.  Kanan loved him and cared about him and just wanted to keep him safe.  Kanan had saved him.  Kanan thought of him as a son.

_So does Maul._

As the thought entered Ezra’s head, he tangled his fingers in his hair, his nails digging into his scalp, as if he could claw that thought out of his mind.  Confusion and pain and a desperate longing for comfort he knew he didn’t deserve crashed around inside his head.

“Ezra, whatever is happening right now, if you tell me, I can help you,” Kanan said.

“He told me -- he kept trying to make me think you don’t care about me,” Ezra said, forcing the words out through gritted teeth.  “And I --”

He clenched his jaw tighter, muffling the frustrated growl that rose in his throat.

“I _know_ that’s not true,” he said.  “But you were right about what you said on Malachor.  I _do_ still have an instinct to listen to him.  He was my master for _years_.  There’s still part of me that just wanted to listen to him.”

Ezra rested his forehead on his knees, suddenly exhausted.

“You’ve helped me so much,” Ezra said.  “And I owe you everything, but I still wanted to believe him because it was easier than fighting.”

“Ezra, you don’t owe me anything,” Kanan said.  “You wanted to believe him because that’s what he trained you into, and because he was --” Ezra saw Kanan’s jaw clench for a moment and felt his anger and frustration at what he was about to say.  “Because most kids want to believe what their -- what their parents tell them.”

“He’s not my parent,” Ezra said.

“I know,” Kanan said.  “But you said it yourself.  He was your master for years.  It’s not your fault that you wanted to listen to what he told you, even if you knew he was lying.”

“I just wanted things to go back to normal,” Ezra said.  “And I _hate_ that I wanted that.  But before, when I was a kid, there was always a reason for it when he hurt me and it never went this far.”

He felt like pressure was building in his chest and in his head, like something was trying to burst out of him.  He wanted to break down and tell Kanan everything.  Everything he could remember, anyway.  Not just from the month Maul had had them, but every terrible thing Maul had done to him as a kid, so Kanan could tell him he hadn’t deserved it; every moment he’d actually felt like Maul cared about him, so Kanan could tell him it was all a lie.  But there was just too much and even thinking about telling Kanan made Ezra feel like he was drowning.

“Whatever you need to tell me, you can,” Kanan said.  “No matter what it is.”

“I don’t know where to…”

_I will give you one chance to do this willingly._

_His shields cracking and crumbling into dust.  Shadows tearing through him, searching, pulling him into the vision.  The desert.  The blazing heat of the two suns beating down on him._

He knew exactly where to start.  He should have told Kanan the moment he’d woken up.  But he’d been too…too scared, too ashamed, too _something_.  And now it might be too late.  What if Maul had gone after Kenobi already and killed him, and no one had been able to stop him because Ezra hadn’t been ready to talk about what Maul had done to him?  How could he have been so selfish, so _stupid?_

“He --” Ezra’s voice was shaking and he realized a second later that his body was, too.  He closed his eyes, drawing in a long, deep breath.  He could do this.  He _had_ to do this.  Kanan would know what to do.

“I don’t even know how to say it,” Ezra said.  “But it was like he broke into my mind, through my shields so he could --”

Ezra’s arms drew even tighter around his knees as his voice broke off again.  Kanan just waited patiently, knowing Ezra was trying to get the words out.

“When he and I opened the holocrons, we each got pieces of the vision we had,” Ezra said.  “He told me if we merged our minds again, we could see everything.  And I said no, but he -- but he made me do it anyway.”

“Ezra --”

“And what I saw,” Ezra said quickly, cutting him off, “what _we_ saw -- the key to defeating the Sith is Master Kenobi.  He’s alive, and Maul is after him.  He’s in danger and I -- I should’ve told you sooner, but --”

Ezra took another long breath, suddenly feeling like the air had been pulled from his lungs.

“I couldn’t,” he said.

“Ezra, I’m so sorry,” Kanan said.

Ezra felt a surge of frustration.  Kanan shouldn’t be worried about _him_ right now, he should be --

“Ezra, there’s nothing we can do to help Master Kenobi right now,” Kanan said.  “I -- I need to know if you’re okay.”

“No,” Ezra said.  His voice cracked and tears stung at his eyes.  He hadn’t wanted to say it, but he was so tired of hiding things from Kanan.  It was like Kanan had pulled the answer from his head, like --

_No,_ he thought.  _Not like that.  He wouldn’t do that.  He wouldn’t hurt you like that._

“I’m sorry that happened, Ezra,” Kanan said.  “He shouldn’t have -- I’m so kriffing sorry, Ezra.”

Ezra slid across the bed and curled up against Kanan’s side, suddenly desperate for his master’s comforting touch.  Kanan put his arms around Ezra, holding him close, and Ezra could feel Kanan’s presence in the Force curling around him, shielding him.

“I tried to stop him,” Ezra said.  “But I couldn’t.”

“It’s okay,” Kanan said softly.

“I don’t know why it hurts this much.”

“Because what he did was -- it’s torture,” Kanan said, his arms tightening around Ezra.  “And because you trusted him.”

“I don’t --”

“Not now,” Kanan said.  “When you were a kid.  You trusted him to take care of you and maybe he did that, barely, but he kept hurting you, too.”

“I’m just so tired of being afraid of him,” Ezra said.

“I know,” Kanan said.

* * *

 

As Ezra’s eyes opened slowly, he felt someone’s arm around him.  It took him barely a second to recognize Kanan’s warm, steady presence in the Force.  He was on Kanan’s bunk, lying cradled against Kanan’s chest.  He must have fallen asleep there last night while Kanan held him after he told…

Ezra shut his eyes again, willing himself to go back to sleep so he could forget.  But it was like the harder he tried, the more his mind clung to the waking world.  Still, he made no move to get up.  He wished he could just stay here, with Kanan holding him, and let the rest of the galaxy disappear for a while.

“Feeling better?” Kanan asked.

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  He was surprised to realize it was true.  His nightmares had calmed somewhat since he’d begun staying in Kanan’s room, but this was the first time in…weeks, months maybe, that he’d woken up feeling truly rested.

“That’s good,” Kanan said.  “That’s something, at least.”

“Dad, I --” the words caught in Ezra’s throat for a moment.  The last time he’d said them had been the night before his parents were arrested.  “I love you.”

“I love you,” Kanan said, his arm tightening around Ezra for just a second, holding him closer.  “We’ll get through this.  We always do.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: child abuse in a nightmare; references to past child abuse and torture

_Ezra glanced nervously over his shoulder as he trailed behind Kanan.  He knew Kanan could connect with the spiders and keep them from attacking, but leaving the base without one of the sensors set him on edge.  Kanan had said this was a training exercise, but he hadn’t said exactly what they would be doing or where they were going._

_“Not much farther,” Kanan said._

_Ezra stopped in his tracks as a chill settled in the air around him.  It wasn’t just cold; it was darkness.  A darkness that was all too familiar._

_“Kanan, wait!” Ezra called._

_Kanan stopped and turned back toward him as Ezra looked around, his eyes straining as he scanned the horizon.  He could feel that familiar presence, but couldn’t tell where it came from.  But he_ was _there.  Maul was on Atollon, and he was close._

_“Run!” Ezra said._

_As he turned in the direction of the base, a hand closed around his arm, stopping him and dragging him back.  Ezra looked over his shoulder to see it was Kanan holding him back, staying right where he was, unfazed even as Maul’s presence grew stronger, closer._

_“Kanan, what are you doing?” Ezra asked._

_“What he should have done years ago.”_

_Maul was there, as if he’d suddenly appeared from nowhere, standing on Ezra’s other side.  Ezra shrank back against Kanan, who released his grip on Ezra’s arm._

_“I knew you would come to your senses soon enough, Master Jedi,” Maul said._

_“Just take him,” Kanan said._

_“No!” Ezra shouted, staring at Kanan in disbelief._

_“I’m not endangering my family anymore,” Kanan said, his voice cold.  “Or myself.  I lost my vision because of you.  You’re not worth my life, or theirs.”_

_“You heard him,” Maul said, his hand closing tightly around Ezra’s wrist.  “You’re coming with me, Ezra.  This is over.”_

_“No!” Ezra said, tearing himself away from Maul.  “Kanan, please!  Don’t do this!  Don’t let him take me.”_

_“You’ve brought nothing but trouble to all of us!” Kanan said.  “You can't stay here, Ezra.  I won't let the people I love keep getting hurt because of you.”_

_As he turned away, Ezra grabbed his arm._

_“Dad, please --”_

_He was cut off as Kanan shoved him back, knocking him to the ground at Maul’s feet._

_“You’re not my son,” Kanan said.  “Don’t come back here, Ezra.”_

_As Kanan walked away, Ezra stared after him, his eyes stinging with tears.  He felt Maul’s hand on his shoulder and didn’t even try to pull away._

_“There is nothing left for you here, Ezra,” Maul said.  “It’s time to come home.”_

* * *

 

“No.”

Kanan was still half-asleep when he heard Ezra’s muffled voice and the sound of the boy shifting restlessly in the bunk above him.

“No.”

Kanan sat up, taking a moment to wait and see if Ezra would calm down or wake up on his own.  As Ezra’s breath grew faster and more panicked, Kanan got to his feet.

“Ezra,” Kanan said quietly, reaching out across their bond.  As his mind brushed against his padawan’s, he felt a small jolt, like powerful static electricity.

“Dad, please!” Ezra cried.

“Ezra,” Kanan said, reaching up and shaking Ezra’s shoulder.

Ezra woke with a shout, pulling away from him.  Kanan could feel his anger and terror spilling off of him in waves.  Ezra leapt from the bunk, past Kanan, and ran from the room.

“Ezra!” Kanan called.  Ezra ignored him and kept running.

Ezra’s fear hung in the air, seeping into every corner of the ship.  Fear of Kanan.  Sheer, soul-rending terror and hatred and the bitter, painful sting of betrayal.  Kanan reached out, searching for Ezra.  He wouldn’t go after him; not unless he was in any danger.  He knew Ezra was afraid of him right now and going after him wouldn’t help.  He could feel Ezra, still on the ship, in the air ducts.  His presence was muted as he tried to block Kanan out.  Tried to hide from him.

Kanan sat down on the edge of his bunk, trying to figure out the right course of action.  All he wanted to do was go to Ezra’s side, hold him, and tell him everything would be okay.  But doing that would only make things worse right now.

It wasn’t just his fear.  That hatred still lingered, burning at Kanan’s mind.  It killed Kanan to think that he might have done something to hurt Ezra, even if it was just a nightmare.

He heard rapid footsteps approaching and immediately recognized them as Hera’s.

“Are you okay?” she asked.  There was a pause before she asked, “Where’s Ezra?”

“Still on the ship,” Kanan said.  “He just bolted.  He’s -- I think he’s okay, or he will be.  He’s blocking me, but I know he’s safe.”

“What happened?” Hera asked as she entered the room, letting the door slide shut behind her.

“He had a nightmare,” Kanan said.  “And when I woke him up, he just ran.  He was terrified and so angry.  At me.”

“Whatever happened, it was just a dream,” Hera said as she sat down beside him.  “He knows you wouldn’t hurt him.”

“If there’s even a small part of him that doesn’t, that’s on me,” Kanan said.

“No, it’s not,” Hera said.  Her hand closed around his and even as tight as she held on, Kanan could barely feel her skin making contact with his.  “Maul -- he destroyed him.  _He’s_ the reason Ezra doesn’t feel safe anywhere, not you.”

“I couldn’t protect him,” Kanan said.  “And I don’t know if I’ll be able to next time.”

“You don’t have to do this alone,” Hera said.  “We’ll be better prepared the next time something happens.”

“No matter how prepared we are, it won't change what already happened,” Kanan said.

“Kanan, what Maul did to Ezra isn’t your fault,” Hera said.  She let go of his hand and put her arm around his shoulders.  Kanan slid his arm around her waist and leaned into her embrace.

“I just feel so…helpless,” Kanan said.  “I couldn’t protect him, and now it’s like there’s nothing I can do.  Maul could come back tomorrow and I can barely hold my lightsaber.  I wouldn’t be able to defend Ezra.”

“He knows you do everything you can to protect him,” Hera said.  “He doesn’t blame you.”

 _Maybe he should_ , Kanan thought, but didn’t say.  If he’d been a better teacher, a better father, if he'd had the good sense to take Ezra somewhere Maul couldn't find him, maybe none of this would have happened.  Maybe Ezra would have been safe,  _really_ safe.  Maybe he would have had a chance to heal instead of having his wounds ripped open again and again.

There were so many things he could have done different.  So many ways he could have worked harder to keep Ezra safe.  But it was too late now.  The damage was done, to both of them, and Kanan wasn’t sure it could ever be fixed.

“I’ll go check on him,” Hera said.

Kanan nodded.  Someone should, and after what he’d sensed from Ezra, he knew Hera was the better choice.

“Tell him -- just tell him it’ll be okay,” Kanan said.

“I will.”

* * *

 

Ezra lay on his side, curled up in the air duct, his fingers tangled in his hair and his eyes squeezed shut.

 _It wasn’t real_ , he thought.  _It was just a dream.  He wouldn’t do that to you.  He’d **never** do that to you._

He knew Kanan wouldn’t hurt him like that.  Kanan loved him.  Kanan did everything he could to protect him.  Kanan called him his _son_.  He wouldn’t just throw Ezra away.  He would _never_  force Ezra to leave with Maul.

But no matter how much he repeated those thoughts to himself, no matter how true he knew they were, he could still hear the fury, and even hatred in Kanan’s voice as he pushed him away and said those words that felt like a knife in Ezra’s chest.   _You’re not my son_.  He could feel Maul’s hand on his shoulder, both comforting him and warning him not to try and run away.

“Ezra?”  Hera’s voice floated through the vent to his hiding place.  “Are you alright?”

Ezra didn’t say anything.  He couldn’t.

“It’ll be okay,” Hera said.  Ezra knew she really believed it. Hera was always so full of hope.  And she was usually right, too.  But the words still felt empty as they hit Ezra’s ears.  Things would never be okay again.  How could they?  Ezra could have handled Maul breaking his spirit or his mind or his will or every bone in his body, but trying to break his trust in Kanan was more than Ezra thought he could take.

* * *

Ezra stared down at his hands, which were clenched together on his lap.  Kanan and Hera sat across from him, patiently waiting for him to be able to speak.  With every passing second, his anxiety rose, threatening to drown out the carefully-practiced words he’d planned to say.

As he’d lay awake in the air duct the night before, he’d thought it through.  He needed a plan, and now he had one.  Now he had to convince Kanan and Hera.  He knew they’d argue, but they’d have to see reason.

“I think --” his voice faltered as he repeated the words he’d rehearsed in his head over and over, “-- I think it’s better for everyone if I -- if I leave.”

His shoulders tensed up as he said it, and he didn’t know what he was expecting.  He knew Kanan and Hera wouldn’t hurt him, but he still instinctively waited for it to happen.  He slowly looked up and, seeing the expressions on their faces, immediately averted his gaze again.

“Ezra --”

“I know you don’t want me to go,” Ezra said quickly, cutting off Kanan’s words.  “But you’re all in danger if I stay.”

“Are you planning on going back to him?” Kanan asked.

“No,” Ezra said.

“Ezra, you know we can't let you go if that’s what you’re planning to do,” Hera said.

“It’s not,” Ezra said.  “I’m only doing this because it’s safer for everyone.”

“Everyone except you,” Kanan said.  “You’ll be safer with us than you will be alone.”

“But I _wasn’t_ safe,” Ezra said, the pitch of his voice rising with his desperation to make them understand.  “And _you_ weren’t safe.  I’m putting all of you in danger just by being here.  Maul is going to come back and he’s going to hurt you again.  If I’m not here --”

“If you’re not here, he might kill us anyway,” Hera said.  “He knows you care about us, so he can still get to you through us.”

Ezra froze up at her words.  He hadn’t thought about that.  He’d been so focused on putting as much distance between himself and the rest of the crew as possible.

“I just don’t want any of you getting hurt because of me,” Ezra said, his voice shaking.

“It wasn’t because of you,” Kanan said.

“None of this would have happened if I hadn’t joined you in the first place,” Ezra said, leaning his elbows on the table between them and resting his head in his hands.

“That doesn’t make it your fault,” Kanan told him.  “Maul is the only one to blame for any of this.  He made his choices.  He could have just let you go, but _he_ chose not to.”

Kanan sighed, and Ezra felt like he’d been punched in the gut as he realized Kanan almost seemed defeated.

“I know you think you can keep us safe by leaving,” Kanan said, “but I’m asking you to stay.”

“We’re both asking you to,” Hera said.  “You’re our son, Ezra.  We love you and we want you here, no matter what we have to face to keep you with us.”

“I don’t _want_ to leave,” Ezra said.  “But I feel like I have to.  It’s not just you, it’s the rebellion.  When Maul found me here, he threatened to kill everyone on the base.  And he could do it.  When he comes after me again, I don’t want everything we’ve worked for to be collateral damage for _my_ problem.”

Ezra’s shoulders slumped as he felt like everything was weighing him down.  It just wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t _right_ that he could cause so much damage just by being in the wrong place when Maul came looking for him.  It wasn’t _right_ that he had to run and hide from someone he used to trust with his life.

“So you’d rather go off on your own, where you’ll be in more danger when Maul finally catches up to you?” Kanan asked.

Ezra shook his head.  Kanan didn’t understand.  If he was alone, if he didn't have to worry about anyone else getting hurt, he could fight back.  He could stop Maul from ever hurting him again.  And if he failed, if Maul took him back…

“Maybe it really _is_ my destiny,” Ezra said quietly.

“Ezra, no,” Kanan said.  Ezra’s heart skipped a beat as he realized he’d spoken out loud.  “I know you’re scared, but we can't let you do this to yourself.”

“I don’t -- I didn’t mean that,” Ezra said, though on some level, he didn’t know if that was true.

“Please don’t decide anything right now,” Kanan said.  “Give us one day to try and think of something else.  Please.”

He sounded almost desperate, even as he tried to hide it.

“Okay,” Ezra said, his voice quiet.

“I promise you, we’ll find a way to fix this,” Kanan said.

Ezra nodded, even though the words felt empty.  He stood up abruptly, like he’d been pulled to his feet.  As he bolted from the room, he couldn’t help but think that this had been a mistake.  He should have just left, but maybe he’d _wanted_ them to talk him out of it.  He was a coward who -- _no._   He hadn’t wanted to hurt his family by disappearing.  He hadn’t wanted them to worry that Maul had taken him again.  He was just trying to protect them.

All he wanted to do was protect them.

* * *

 

“He’s not wrong,” Kanan said.  “Maul is going to come after him again.  Maybe we _should_ leave.  Both of us.  Go somewhere he’ll never find us.”

“Would you really be okay with hiding?” Hera asked, her tone making it clear she thought the answer was no.

“For Ezra, I can be,” Kanan said.  “I’d have to be.  Ezra’s right.  The rebellion is at risk if he’s here, and I can't let him leave alone.  And after everything that’s happened, all the -- the --”

“Damage,” Hera said.  Kanan nodded.  Hera barely had to try to find the word he was looking for when he couldn’t quite reach it.

“I don’t think Ezra can handle being a part of something like this,” he said.  “And -- and neither can I.”

“Kanan --”

“I’m not giving up, Hera,” Kanan said.  “But I have to be realistic.  This isn’t a good place for either of us to be right now.  And it’s not safe for anyone if we're here.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Hera said.  “But if you’re going, I’m going with you.”

“I can't ask you to just leave everything you’ve worked for,” Kanan said.  “This is what you were meant to do.”

“I was meant to fly,” Hera said.  “I can do that anywhere.  I’m going with you, and I’d bet you anything the others will say the same thing.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to past child abuse

_“Let him go,” Kanan said, clutching his lightsaber tightly in his hand._

_Maul stood before him, one hand around Ezra’s arm, holding him back._

_“Kanan,” Ezra said, his voice shaking, his eyes wide with fear and desperation._

_“The boy belongs with me,” Maul said, pulling Ezra closer to him._

_“No,” Kanan said.  “I won't let you hurt him again.”_

_Kanan hit the switch to activate his lightsaber.  The weapon sparked, but didn’t turn on.  Kanan threw it aside and drew his blaster.  He hesitated for a second, afraid he would miss his target and hit Ezra instead.  That moment of hesitation was all Maul needed.  The blaster was wrenched out of Kanan’s hand and out of his reach._

_Kanan charged forward, ready to take Maul down with his bare hands if he had to.  Maul threw one hand out, knocking Kanan to the ground._

_“Kanan, help!” Ezra cried._

_“I can't,” Kanan said._

_Maul turned away, dragging Ezra behind him._

_“Kanan!” Ezra screamed._

_“I’m sorry, Ezra,” Kanan whispered.  “I don’t know what to do.”_

* * *

 

When Kanan woke, he could still hear Ezra’s voice echoing in his head, screaming his name and begging for help.  As he lay there, trying to bring his ragged, panicked breath back under his control, something crashed over him, and Kanan felt like his chest was being torn open.  A furious, desperate scream echoing through the Force, full of pain and anger and the sheer, primal panic of a terrified child crying out for their parent.

Kanan sprang from his bunk, staggering to his feet.  He reached over the edge of the top bunk, feeling for Ezra’s hand.  He knew instinctively that the feeling was coming from Ezra, probably another nightmare.  But he couldn’t feel his padawan.  He reached out farther only to find that the bunk was empty.  His heart seemed to stop and restart at triple its normal speed.  He ran from the room, toward Ezra and Zeb’s cabin.  He hammered on the door for a second before opening it, startling Zeb awake.

“Ezra?” Kanan called.

“Not here,” Zeb grumbled, still half asleep.  “Thought he was staying with you.”

Kanan ran to Sabine’s room.  Maybe Ezra had just needed a night to himself.  _Please let that be it._

“Ezra?!” he called as he opened the door.  There was no response.  As he reached out through the Force, Kanan found the room was empty.

He heard footsteps behind him.  In his panic, it took him a second to recognize them as Hera’s.

“Kanan, what’s going on?” she asked.

“Ezra’s gone,” he said.

Without missing a beat, Hera turned and hurried down the hall away from him.

“Chopper!” she called.

“Something happen?” Zeb asked, apparently having given up on sleep.

“Ezra’s gone,” Kanan said again.

“Have you seen Ezra?” Hera asked Chopper as the droid wheeled his way toward them.

Chopper barely got through his negative response before Kanan rushed past him.  He tried to push his terror aside and focus on finding his padawan.  Ezra wasn’t on the ship, but he was nearby.  If he was in danger, there was still time to save him.

Kanan rushed down the lowered ramp of the ship, following the pull in his chest that led him toward his son.

* * *

 

Ezra sat on his knees in the sand, breathing in the cool night air.  He’d needed to get away, to clear his head.  He’d said he would give Kanan and Hera a day to figure out what to do, but there was still that small, insistent part of his mind that told him he should leave _now,_ take the choice out of their hands.  As he'd lay awake in his bunk, he'd felt his anger at Maul, at himself, even inexplicably at Kanan, at everything about this situation building and building, crushing him until he couldn't breathe.  So he'd come out here, where at least he didn't feel like he was drowning.

Ezra gasped as he heard footsteps approaching behind him.  When he looked over his shoulder, he saw Kanan running toward him.  Kanan dropped to his knees beside Ezra, throwing his arms around him and pulling him into an embrace so tight that Ezra could hear Kanan’s heart pounding.

Ezra pulled away.  Kanan’s fear and his desperate need to shield him was overwhelming, like something being held over his face, suffocating him.

“You scared us,” Kanan said.  “I woke up and you were just gone.”

“I didn’t realize I needed permission to leave the ship now,” Ezra said, not even knowing why the words came out sounding so angry.

“Ezra, Maul knows where we are,” Kanan said.  “And you -- you can't just talk to us about leaving and then wander away in the middle of the night and expect us not to worry.”

“I’m sorry,” Ezra muttered.  “I just needed to think.”

Kanan took a long, deep breath and Ezra felt his panic subside just slightly.

“I’m sorry, too,” Kanan said.  “I was -- I’ve been having nightmares, too, and this one, when I woke up and you weren’t there -- but that’s not your fault.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Ezra staring out across the dark horizon in front of them.

“If I’d tried to leave, would you have forced me to stay?” he asked.

“I don’t know, Ezra,” Kanan said with a sigh.  “I know you want me to say I wouldn’t, but I don’t know.  I can’t lose you.  And if I thought you might go back to Maul…Ezra, I’m your father.  I couldn’t let you do something like that to yourself.  I’m supposed to protect you.”

“He’s not going to stop,” Ezra said.  “He’s going to come after me again.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “Hera and I have a plan.  He’s not going to find you again.  Not if I can help it.”

Ezra leaned his head against Kanan’s shoulder, and Kanan slid an arm around him.  He wanted to believe that Kanan could keep him safe, but Maul had proven over and over again that they wouldn’t be safe anywhere.  But he trusted Kanan.  If Kanan had a plan, Ezra would follow it.  Maybe they’d be okay.  At the very least, maybe they'd survive.


End file.
